The Impeccably Researched and Completely Objective Biography of Gail, The Woman who Rated these Shoes 5 Stars

“So chic and comfortable! Perfect for work.”

- Gail M., Maple Grove, MN

I have never met Gail N. of Maple Grove, Minnesota. You probably haven’t either. But I think we can all agree on some baseline facts about her life based on the review above, and no other information whatsoever.

Gail was born in 1979 in Montrose, Minnesota. According to her mother, who just giggles like a schoolgirl telling the story at Book Club, Gail saw Harrison Ford at a local diner once and screamed that she had to go potty and tripped on her shoelaces. According to the manager of The Bun n’ Cone, she actually said “cunt” and was shoeless. According to everyone else there, Harrison Ford has never been to Minnesota.

In high school (Go Beavers!), Gail had braces for only 11 months. She had multi-colored rubber bands connecting her top and bottom teeth, which she changed periodically to add some pizzazz (!). Gail thought her boyfriend in high school had a drinking problem because one time he did a keg stand at Caroline Abner’s house and then cried. It caused a lot of unpleasantness and neither lost their virginities until they were 25. This occured despite prom night promises and a pair of very risque heels Gail’s new friend Suzanne helped her pick out in a consignment store behind a blended strip club / bowling alley.

As a teen, Gail had a best friend named Patty who moved away in eleventh grade. They promised they’d stay in touch. Patty went on to marry and subsequently divorce a telemarketer for what they thought was an illegal diet pill company but turned out to be a front for cocaine. Patty and her ex-husband share a gay son who goes to Dartmouth. Gail thinks Patty is crazy but likes meeting her for margaritas once every fiscal quarter.

Gail graduated 17th in her high school class and went on to Ipswich College. There, she met two people that would go on to work in the Trump Administration and once went on a date with an Ethiopian man.

After college, Gail met her first husband, Charlie, at the grocery store (she was buying Bologne, SlimFast, and Tab). Charlie was quiet, but over time Gail learned that his Aunt Peggy was a “dumb bitch” and that, as a child, he was allergic to strawberries.

Gail’s biggest celebrity crush is Jimmy Fallon and she once nodded along to a Jimmy Buffett song in a dermatologist’s waiting room without knowing what it was. Her favorite book is The Da Vinci Code and her favorite movie is Out of Africa. Gail has given 29 blow jobs to completion in her lifetime.

Gail teaches 5th grade and likes blending style and comfort. She once made cannolis for her class and one of the parents, (an objectively handsome father reminiscent of Craig T. Nelson), said he liked them. Gail was wearing these shoes.