The Love Languages Of Your Dysfunctional Family
Perfunctory Physical Touch
As the triennial family gathering draws to a close, you’re willing to engage in an A-frame hug and deliver three rapid-fire thumps to the back — because the best way to say “I love you” is through Morse code. At your child’s college graduation, your effusive praise is expressed in an air kiss hovering 3.25” away from their hairline. Your overwhelming joy at the birth of your first grandson flows straight from your heart into a firm, polite handshake.
Acts of Lip Service
There is no limit to the things you’ll promise to do. Call your sister on Friday. Host the family reunion dinner at your place. Set up a clear and legally binding estate plan to ensure Aunt Fay doesn’t initiate an open air fistfight with the kids over the keys to the lake house 75 minutes after you expire. When you share your loving intentions, you’re filled with profound feelings of warmth, satisfaction, and wonder at the interconnectedness of family. And that’s enough, really.
Foisting Old Stuff on Others
Junk you cleared out of your attic makes for great unexpected care packages. Shop your own kitchen for odds and ends to give your less-wealthy-than-you brother on his birthday. Send your granddaughter your son’s old tuba. Show up for holidays laden with newspaper-wrapped parcels of your expired spices, your half-used notebooks, and inappropriately-sized thrift-store jackets that smell like dust. These are all your ways of saying “I’m connected to you but know very little about you” and “I don’t have time to shop” and “I know that giving things is what people do, and and since I was already decluttering, I figured these items that aren’t good enough for me would be just about right for you.”
Unsolicited Advice
“You know what you should do — ” is your version of a strong, 20-second hug. You connect with those closest to you and farthest from you by demonstrating just how much better you’d be at living their lives. You’re at your warmest when you’re ensuring that your loved ones never feel worthy of your actual love without a little outside guidance and tweaking. When you really care, you steer others toward living out your lifelong dream of being a professional poker player — even though they’ve made it perfectly clear that their interests lie in veterinary medicine, damnit.
Complaining About a Lack of Time Together During Time Together
Spending time is the most important part of your relationships, second only to nagging about wanting to spend more time together. You’re all about planning for the future, and in that future, you’d like to enjoy hours and hours of full-throttle togetherness. You secure commitment for a future weekend lunch plan during the weekend lunch you’re in the middle of that is about to end too soon. It’s never enough, but you just know next time is going to be. Now…just isn’t.
