The MacArthur Foundation Is Proud To Announce This Year’s Doofus Grant Recipients
Every year, the MacArthur Foundation awards a prestigious and highly generous grant to the nation’s dumbest morons. The individuals honored here have demonstrated extraordinary stupidity in their fields, and by funding their tireless pursuits of asshattery, MacArthur reaffirms its dedication to America’s oafs, halfwits, and dunces alike.
Mike Rodriguez
Stock Broker
After bumping into a folding chair and inadvertently apologizing to it, Mike became incensed when it failed to reciprocate.
Caleb Studebaker
Health Inspector
When he accidentally pushed on a door that said ‘Pull’, Caleb chuckled to himself, corrected his mistake, and sent himself and four flight attendants rocketing out of the plane.
Regina Whipplemore
Kindergarten Teacher
Figured her dad wouldn’t have minded a hammock instead of a coffin.
Beverly Reese
Data Analyst
While many of our esteemed finalists mistook a house getting fumigated for the circus, only Beverly went back in when she realized she forgot her peanuts.
Trevor MacFarland
Insurance Salesman
While taking a shower, Trevor had eleven imaginary arguments with his enemies, and lost spectacularly in each one.
Don Shortz
Mailman
Attempted to see how many licks it would take to get to the center of the Earth.
Simon O’Leary
Cog
People thought the simple act of waking up couldn’t be performed idiotically until Simon fell asleep halfway down a water slide.
Herb Pikula
Wedding DJ
Faced with the problem of traversing his snow-covered yard, Herb was the first person to think of tying old-timey tennis rackets to his shoes to walk across the snow without sinking. To be clear, this technically did work, but it’s still a really dumb idea.
Henry Kemper
Youth Pastor
Suddenly realizing his true feelings for his girlfriend as she was boarding a plane to Costa Rica, Henry sprinted through LaGuardia to tell her that he thought they should just be friends.
Dr. Caitlin Stokes
Astrophysicist
While delivering a keynote symposium at CERN’s annual leadership summit, Dr. Stokes confused the wavelength of the Large Magellanic Cloud’s gamma pulsars with the wavelength of UV rays emitted from Small Magellanic Cloud’s tachyon clusters. We don’t really know what that means, but apparently it’s the astrophysics equivalent of eating coins.
Jackson Devereaux
Illusionist, Master of Prestidigitation, Escape Artist & Diviner, Mind Reader & Clairvoyant, Sword Swallower & Pyro-Breather, And General Practitioner of The Magick & Mystical Dark Arts
Microwaved a fork*
*Grant awarded posthumously
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