The Mood Killer: A Horror Movie Streaming Service Created By Passive-Aggressive Moms
Ruining high school hookups since 2021.
Parents, let’s face it, there’s nothing scarier than your teenager inviting over their crush to “watch a scary movie.” Until now, you were granted only two options on how to react: (1) shut it down and become the authoritarian you swore you’d never be, or (2) smile through your tears and allow your living room to play host arena to the Stanley Cup of tonsil hockey.
But not anymore.
Introducing The Mood Killer. Created for non-confrontational suburban moms by non-confrontational suburban moms, this streaming service offers horror movies carefully edited by our patented technology (ripped DVDs and the iMovie app) to passive-aggressively prevent teen make-out sessions from happening under your Craftsman roof.
We know what you’re thinking: aren’t these just those lame “clean version” movies for people who give toothbrushes and Bible verses to trick-or-treaters? No way! The Mood Killer is all about plausible deniability — we don’t care about swearing or gore, we care about crushing adolescent libidos so insidiously that no one can blame you for anything.
Check out some of our most popular selections for yourself:
Psycho
In this Hitchcock classic, we Photoshopped a bottle of Proactiv® in the shower scene, so would-be lovebirds spend the rest of the film preoccupied with their backne. With their shirts staying on, their minds will be free to think about more important things than tongue kissing — like conjugating Spanish verbs, or finally reading that article you sent about how getting a tattoo can cause a fatal brain infection.
It Follows
This movie about a sexually-transmitted-murder ghost already does a pretty good job tamping down horniness, but we recorded several ADR lines to make it super clear that it follows for hand stuff, too. That’s not a loophole, Michelle.
The Halloween Franchise
Is that a slide whistle added to the iconic synth theme? It sure is! Do you know where slide whistles don’t appear? On any sex playlist, ever. Get some rest, parents, there’s no action in your den tonight.
Poltergeist
What’s that behind the static? Not a poltergeist, but your darling child’s 7th grade school photo — you know, the one where they had the bowl cut and were midway through a blink? Trust us, Michelle doesn’t want to “Netflix and Chill” to the haunting dual images of head gear and transition lenses.
It
In our version, Pennywise seems to be really struggling with IBS that’s exacerbated by his kid-based diet. Wait ‘til you hear how the community college Foley course we took allowed us to capture, with horrific sonic fidelity, each echo and splash into that infamous sewer. Sure, your son may need therapy to disassociate the thrill of reaching second base from the disturbing reverberations of intestinal distress, but MAYBE if he’s not hooking up with that shifty-eyed MICHELLE until 4 A.M. EVERY DAMN SCHOOL NIGHT, he’ll finally SHOW UP for his ACT prep class, and will be RESTED for his swim meet so he can EARN that D1 scholarship and pay for a psychologist HIMSELF. So, yeah, we think it’s worth it.
The Ring
A favorite around here, this edit sees the cursed VHS replaced with the entire “Slipping Through My Fingers” scene from Mamma Mia! All we can say is good luck putting your heart into a hickey while you’re holding back tears of appreciation for your mom and for Meryl’s heart-wrenching performance.
PLUS MANY MORE!
Are we violating filmmakers’ moral rights as well as several intellectual property statutes with this service? Maybe, but what scares you more: United States copyright law or becoming a grandparent before 45?
Act now and receive the full “Not in This House, You Won’t” package for free, including:
· a 3-oz bottle of garlic and onion popcorn seasoning;
· two (2) tea-towel sized blankets that can’t be shared between laps;
· one (1) incredibly noisy tinfoil couch cover that makes a covert yawn and reach impossible; and
· an ambient heart rate monitor that alerts your phone to the perfect time to walk behind the couch holding a laundry basket and loudly whisper, “Who is this actor? I recognize him from Jimmy Fallon!”
Subscribe to The Mood Killer today. Don’t wait until it’s too late! Remember: virgins are the only ones who make it out alive.
