The Old Man Near The Sea: Papa Ernest Hemingway’s Advice Column
Dear Papa,
My buddies from my Red Dead Redemption team invited me to go on a big game hunting trip with them in Wyoming, but it’s the weekend of my daughter’s big ballet recital. I know my daughter will be upset if I’m not there, but I really want to post selfies on social media with the endangered animals we’ve killed. What should I do?
— Grizzly Man
Dear Grizzly,
All men must seek redemption and there is redemption in the killing if it is done well and truly. I like ballet. Ballet is muscle and form, and it is pleasurable to watch. But attending a child’s recital is not going to the ballet. It is babysitting. There is no honor in watching girls pretend to be ducklings while a homosexual plays a piano that is out of tune.
— Papa
Dear Papa,
I like writing, but it isolates me from the people I love, and it has turned me into a depressive alcoholic. Should I join a writing group and/or Alcoholics Anonymous? I’m getting worried.
— Sick and Tired of Being Drunk and Alone
Dear Sick,
Art is not made by men in clubs. Clubs are for men with dull minds and women seeking to escape their feckless husbands. To write is to be a man at a desk writing the writing on his typewriter until the writing is written. Cure alcohol-induced despair with strong drink.
— Papa
Dear Papa,
I’m struggling to make a decision. My wife is perfectly nice, but I’ve fallen in love with a fashion magazine editor. A glamorous, sophisticated woman. The fashion magazine editor says she wants me all to herself. I know my wife will be devastated if I leave her, but she represents everything I dislike about myself, and I really want to be with this other person who embodies everything I aspire to be. What should I do?
— Passion with Fashion
Dear Passion,
Lust is dark and beautiful and good like wine. I have been in love. It is worse than being in war. In war, one can act well. In love, one acts poorly. I have seen women throw good wine in the faces of men. I have had this experience myself. The woman did it well and truly, and I felt a good, clean embarrassment when it was done.
— Papa
Dear Papa,
I live in Idaho, and there’s nothing to do here. Plus, my doctors have prescribed medicine that makes my art shitty. Should I trust the doctors to avoid mental collapse at the cost of my uninhibited creative spirit? Should I move to a big city where there’s more for a young artist like me to do?
— Determined to Change
Dear Determined,
One cannot get away from oneself by moving from one place to another. So, take yourself with you when you go to a new place. When you arrive, lock yourself in a room. Do your work. Stalk it. Capture it. Defeat it. Drink its blood. If your work gets away from you, take to the sea. The clouds will be low and gray and the sea will be flat and gray. It sounds boring because it is boring. You will concentrate on your work when you are not doing the fishing. Bring a gun to fend off sharks and the needless words that try to sneak into your sentences.
— Papa
