The Old Spaghetti Factory Briefly Considers a Branding Overhaul
To: marketing@osf.com
From: jacobs_margaret@hyperionstrategies.com
RE: Old Spaghetti Factory branding consultation
Good afternoon James,
I wanted to give you the wave tops of my initial assessment for your free branding consultation. Here at Hyperion Strategies we focus on objective analysis, so I won’t mince words, but there are definitely areas we can help the Old Spaghetti Factory brand if you come aboard as a full client.
First, let’s start with the obvious. “Old Spaghetti Factory” sounds like a factory that serves old spaghetti. There are many words we typically work with restaurant clients to associate with their signature meal — tasty, inexpensive, healthy, hot, convenient, spicy, etc. “Old” is not one of them. Our market research shows pasta consumers prefer new spaghetti to old spaghetti, by an 89–11% margin. One focus group participant observed:
“‘Old spaghetti’ sounds like a description for something else’s grossness. As in, ‘’Ah dude, I just checked the rat traps for the first time in years and it was like old spaghetti in there.”
-Jennifer, age 28
Of course, I assume that name is intended to mean a charming old factory that serves (manufactures?) spaghetti of a normal age, as in “down at the ol’ spaghetti factory.” An homage to the affordable industrial area where Guss and Sally Dussin founded the first OSF in Portland, Oregon in 1969, no doubt. However, this reading still poses issues. Factories and similarly austere environments, even new ones, do not evoke sanitary food-preparation. As a thought experiment, consider Old Spaghetti Abattoir, Old Spaghetti Sweatshop, Old Spaghetti Conflict Diamond Mine, Old Spaghetti Political Reeducation Labor Camp, etc. When we explained the “old factory” interpretation to the same focus group above, a participant said:
“It makes me think of the ghost of a Dickensian child, covered in soot and marinara sauce, who was crushed to death in the hellish gears of a spaghetti assembly line due to unregulated 19th century labor practices.”
-Robby, age 41
Hope these observations don’t come off too harsh, we’re on your side! I’m sure the name has sentimental value for the higher ups. But there are many potential names for a large, affordable, family-friendly pasta restaurant that not only avoid implying the flagship dish is decomposing or produced alongside automotive parts, but actually highlight the positive. I’m just spitballing, but for example — Primavera Paradise. Dinner Al Dente. Aba-carb-dabra!, Spacious Spaghetti Spot. Guss and Sally’s Meatball Zone. You get the idea.
If you become a client we’ll develop an action plan to cultivate a more appetizing brand. An alternative high risk/high reward strategy is what we call “the double down,” where we lean into a charmingly aggressive and tone-deaf brand, with a charismatic contempt for your consumers. However, this would entail a pretty pricey décor overhaul. Currently each OSF features fun wall decorations, attentive service, and booths inside a full-size San Francisco trolley car (does Portland have trolleys in factories?). Instead of that, we’d go with concrete floors, cast-iron barstools, surly staff, cold spaghetti served in dirty hubcaps, etc. This approach has worked for some of the Brooklyn bars we advise.
Anyway, think it over and run it up the chain, and if you’re interested in becoming a regular client I’ll put you in touch with our billing department.
Best,
Maggie Jacobs,
Associate Branding Specialist
Hyperion Strategies
To: jacobs_margaret@hyperionstrategies.com
From: sally@osf.biz
CC: marketing@osf.biz; guss@osf.biz
RE: FW: RE: Old Spaghetti Factory branding consultation
Hi,
Not sure who signed off on this consultation, but we serve a 3-course spaghetti meal for $4.75 so I think we’ll be fine. Sorry to waste your time. James, you’re fired.
Thx,
Sally Dussin
