The Rambling Facebook Birthday Message I Must Post For My Partner Who Is Actually Sitting Right Beside Me
And don’t miss the 344-slide montage I compiled as an homage to our love!
Hey, babe! It’s your birthday! And even though I’ve already baked you a cake, serenaded you twice, and showered you with a dozen gifts we can’t afford, if I don’t post an over-the-top message here, does your birthday even exist?
Without a public declaration of love on your big day, how will our family, pals, and the bots we’ve both “friended” to make us seem more popular know that you’re still my boo? And you are — against the strongly-worded advice of my therapist, book club members, and even our dog groomer.
But they don’t know you like I do! We’ve only been together two years (well, three if we count the first one when you were still sleeping with that bank teller — which I don’t!) but it feels like I’ve already spent a lifetime with you. Maybe that’s because you lost your job, had your car repossessed, and your crippling student loan debt means you can’t afford to leave my apartment, like, ever. But there’s no one I’d rather “basic cable and chill” with.
As I type this, you’re sitting right next to me, on your phone — scrolling between TikTok dance compilations of underage girls and videos of cats plunging toilets. Normally this would concern me, but, hey, it’s your day, and I’m here for it. All of it. I’m just happy to see you celebrating your way.
You never cease to amaze me. Last week when you actually threw your ear wax-encrusted Q-tips in the bathroom wastebasket instead of leaving them all over the floor? Mind. Blown.
I love how honest you are. Like when I’m on my way out the door and you tell me that my new blouse makes me look like an off-duty clown? You’ve always got my back.
Your sense of humor is the greatest. I never thought seeing an old person fall was funny until I met you.
I’m so grateful you were born because, if you weren’t, who else would remind me it’s time to schedule another chin waxing?
It’s so sweet how you go out of your way to surprise me, like when you hide a pile of your toenail clippings under the bed. What an exciting life we’re building together!
And those snorting and throat clearing sounds you make when you first wake up? They’re so precious! You’re the man-sized, piglet-bulldog hybrid I never knew my life was lacking.
Your self-confidence inspires me daily. The way you buck societal norms and refuse to do things like recycle or use deodorant? You are truly your own man. (For the record, I do not agree with my BFF Marissa who says you smell like “a bag of armpits.” I only laughed to make her feel good since she doesn’t have someone as totally amazeballs as you in her life. Sorry, Mariss!!)
It makes me feel so special to know that you’re always thinking about me. Like when you text me from the toilet to ask what I’m making for dinner? My heart does this magical little tap dance, bae.
Coming home to you after a long day’s work is just the best. You’re so romantic, sitting there in your underpants in the warm glow of your Nintendo Switch, waiting for me, looking all sheepish ’cause you’re coated in Cheeto dust and haven’t moved in twelve hours.
I know this is the year you’ll reach your full potential. Getting off the couch would be an awesome start, just sayin’!
I hope we spend many more birthdays together. (I’m sure my mom was joking about staging that intervention to break us up!)