The Rejected Commercial Script For Paul Giamatti’s Worldwide Discount Mattress Warehouse Depot
INTERIOR: Paul Giamatti’s Worldwide Discount Mattress Warehouse Depot. A couple, DEAN and WANDA, join PAUL GIAMATTI on the sales floor.
DEAN: Holy shit. You’re Paul Giamatti.
PAUL GIAMATTI: Guilty as charged.
WANDA: I just figured you were, like, a silent partner or something.
PAUL GIAMATTI: Not at all. Not. At. All. Are you in the market for a mattress?
DEAN: I’m just — oh my God, wait — is Damian Lewis here?!
Paul glances over his shoulder into the camera.
DEAN: It’s not him.
WANDA: Are you researching a part?
PAUL GIAMATTI: No. I’m not researching a part. I’m selling mattresses. Do you want to buy a mattress? I think you do. Because you know what? You’re here. In a mattress store. Where I sell mattresses. These are them.
Paul gestures to the entirety of the mattress store, a wide warehouse of mattresses as far as the eye can see. (Include current SALES banner.)
PAUL GIAMATTI: (Voice rising, intense) A veritable ocean of comfort. A vast flotilla of patented sealed spring internal structure that guarantees good sleep health!
Paul leaps onto the bed on all fours.
PAUL GIAMATTI: It is strong! It is pliant! Like you, like your wife, like the two of you locked together in some pathetically vanilla effort —
Paul mimes a man in the doggy style position.
PAUL GIAMATTI: — SLAPPIN’ ASS! Woo-oo! And it’s ok. It’s ok.
Paul turns over and lies fully prone.
PAUL GIAMATTI: It’s oh. Kay. Because Paul Giamatti’s Worldwide Discount Mattresses Warehouse Depot mattresses are scientifically designed to deliver perfect supine support while you pass out after giving it to your wife to snore like a wounded wildebeest while she finishes the job —
Paul glances at Wanda.
PAUL GIAMATTI: — like always.
Paul falls asleep. He snores.
DEAN: Holy shit. It really is him.
WANDA stares into the camera, quietly furious at PAUL GIAMATTI’S blunt reading of her husband’s inadequacy — through end of shot.
Graphics: PAUL GIAMATTI’S WORLDWIDE DISCOUNT MATTRESS WAREHOUSE DEPOT / 2134 West Overland Highway / Rochester
DEAN: Way to show up!
DEAN golf claps. He smiles at WANDA. She does not smile back.
