The Right Way To Be A Fan In Fandoms: I’m The Only One Doing It Right
FAN; NOUN: a person who has transcended the plane of casual media
consumers into the ultimate, all-knowing dimension of true fandom.
A lot of people tend to think they’re fans of shows, but let’s be honest, they’re not. These supposed fans only do the bare minimum to show their support for their fandom which brands them Fake Fans. If you have not: 1) bought all the merchandise and collectibles for the franchise, 2) followed all the cast members on social media religiously for updates, or 3) located the writers’ personal offices and/or email addresses, then I regret to inform you that you have not been faithfully supporting your favorite shows.
But fear not, I will give you some pointers on how to become a True Fan.
· Gatekeep Your Fandom Space: Is there someone that hasn’t watched the new episode yet, but it’s been out for 30 minutes now? Someone who can’t remember the name of that side character from Episode 137? Boot them from your Discord server! The username “Thor’s Thunderous Thighs” can go to someone who actually deserves it. By doing this, you’ll have a space of dedicated, loyal fans who all think the same as you and offer no opposing opinions whatsoever.
· Don’t Cheat On Your Show With Other Shows: This show is your one and only. If you’re a Star Wars fan then under no circumstances are you allowed to even THINK about Star Trek. Like Law & Order? Then Criminal Minds and the chiseled jaw of Shemar Moore is off limits to you. Punishment for being in multiple fandoms is prosecution by Twitter mob and private quote retweets. You have been warned.
· Give Suggestions To The Writers On How To Improve The Show: If you’re a True Fan then you know this show almost as well as those who created it. Therefore, make sure you give tips and suggestions on plot devices, character arcs, and animation for those that are hired and paid to make it. They’ll be thanking you profusely even if you suddenly can’t see their profile anymore. Weird, right? At least you know where their office is located!
· Make Sure That Everyone Watches Your Fandom Show: It is your job as a True Fan to guide people to it like psychopomps leading souls to the afterlife. Kidnapping is perfectly okay in this case, especially if it’s a friend that said they were going to watch it sooner or later. The best option is “sooner” with lots of popcorn and rope to tie them to the couch.
· Ensure That Your Fandom Show Is Trending: Nothing spells the death of a show quite like low ratings. As a True Fan, you are obligated to get those ratings up! Spam on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Put up flyers. Rent a blimp (they still have those, right?). Push come to shove, attack the studio of any shows trending higher than your fandom show for ultimate effect.
· Your Fandom Characters Are Your Family: You have a deep soul link with your favorite characters. They are your children. Forget the small beings scampering through your house calling you “Mom” or “Dad”. The only person you should be sending to college is Dustin Henderson, he’ll be majoring in Biology, thank you very much.
· Defend Your Fandom Show To Your Last Breath: It’s not just a show, it’s your show. There is nothing wrong with it and there can NEVER be anything wrong with it. If anyone has negative opinions about your fandom or show, then challenge them to a duel. Swords, rapiers, or daggers are acceptable. The streets will run red with their blood in honor of Bob’s “If Looks Could Kale” burger. And they sure can kale.
Being in a fandom is a lot of work, sometimes even more work than the people who make the show. However, you’re helping to cultivate the ultimate fan experience space that will be filled with the loveliest people known to fandom kind.
And Remember: If your son causally likes Pokémon but can’t name all 898 of them then he is a fake fan and should be stripped of all his Poke cards and gym badges, sentenced to play Gin Rummy with his uncle who always cheats.
