This is in response to your craigslist ad, “PR Firm Seeks Rockstar Receptionist (Temporary).” My client, one of the hottest, sexiest receptionists working today, has a (very rare) hole to fill in his calendar and is interested in doing a residency in your office. Before he starts, we need you to agree to the terms of his rider (below). You’re thinking, “Uh-oh, is he one of these eccentric rockstar receptionists?” Yes. He is very particular. Hey, try being his manager. Boy oh boy.
Will be provided by my client. Keep in mind, this is a rock star we’re talking about. You best believe some days he won’t even have a tie on. Other days, he will have a tie on but if he gets hot and sweaty he’ll remove it and then sexily unbutton the top button of his shirt. This is something he does for the fans. Don’t bother scolding him (as I’ve tried so many times). The fans “wanna see some skin,” he says. I don’t get it. On Fridays he will wear a Hawaiian shirt.
My client canNOT eat at the same place everyday like some commoner. He needs variety. We’re talkin’ Chipotle on Monday. We’re talkin’ Potbelly on Tuesday. Chipotle again on Wednesday, Potbelly on Thursday, etc. He wants to gain as much weight as possible. Don’t make him feel bad for packing on pounds. Jim Morrison still got tons of tail after he got kinda fat. He will pay for his own lunch and the lunch break will be unpaid. I can picture you trying to pay for his lunch just because you’re so in awe of being in a rockstar’s midst. Well, I guess you could give it a try, see what he says.
You’ll provide a plentiful assortment of nuts and candy that he isn’t sure he’s allowed to partake in. Keep them in the cupboards above the sink and don’t even mention them. He will find them. Don’t let on that you know he’s been sneaking almonds and candy. Just keep refilling the cupboards. He may not even feel he deserves snacks after his Chipotle lunch, or his Potbelly lunch, or the Chipotbelly combo lunch he eats when extra sad (he tends to be a “brooding” sort of rockstar, especially around 2pm).
If you must put someone near him, he’d like it to be a middle-aged woman who clears her throat a lot. We’re talking every thirty seconds or more (NO LESS). And when he offers her water, he’d like her to have a look on her face like, “What the heck is water?” Like, have her look really confused and insulted that he’d suggest water.
It would be wonderful if he could start to hate this woman more than he’s ever hated anyone in his life. He would like a mild sweat stench to come and go intermittently from her vicinity, one that he can’t determine if she’s the source of or not, or even verify that it’s real and not just something going on in his head.
Will be LIMITED. My client would prefer your people never address him, but they may do so in the following cases:
On Monday, they may wish him a Happy Monday, as long as it’s very sarcastic. On Friday they can say, “Well, we made it to Friday,” as long as it’s with a resigned sigh, not too cheery-like.
The crew can additionally bring up topics that are of particular interest to him. There’s more to him than scoring with chicks. He is deeply passionate about meteorology, for example. What’s the weather doing? What was it doing? What will it do later? That stuff pumps his volume all the way up to eleven. Oh, and if they have photos of their babies, they should show him. The more their babies look exactly like every other baby ever born, the better.
Your ad said “temporary.” Not sure what you had in mind but he can commit to no more than seven, maybe eight years tops.