The Scientific Community Desperately Needs Your Solar System Diorama

Without this diorama, society will collapse, progress will stupor, and shoeboxes will go undecorated.

Rachel Rose Keller
Slackjaw

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Allan Mas for Pexels

We, the scientific community, among us biology innovators, chemistry Nobel prize winners, and physics luminaries awaiting bio-pics, are growing desperate. We need your elementary school’s best shoebox solar system diorama, and we need it now. To be honest, we lost most of our research in a secret lab fire in Denmark and have to start over with the basics.

So we can continue making progress to better this supposed blue dot we call home, we require great minds. For example, those of your third, fourth, and fifth graders banding together to make one amazing diorama that will serve as the basis of our scientific knowledge going forward, as trying to write down everything we, the scientific community, remember would be time consuming, exhausting, and dull. That’s why we need your school’s help to unlock the secrets of the universe. Namely, what the planets are called, the order they are in, and which Crayola color you would use to best depict them.

Dioramas may seem simple, but they’re deceptively complex. Naysayers believe they are a waste of time. Pessimists point out that they are constructed using…

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Rachel Rose Keller
Slackjaw

Rachel Rose Keller is a comedy writer with writing in Reductress and McSweeney’s, among other places. Find more of her work at www.rachelrosekeller.com