The Secret Steak Cuts Your Butcher Does Not Want You To Know

Seriously. They don’t want you to know.

Photo by Sebastian Holgado on Unsplash

The butcher clan follows a simple, yet surprisingly effective, business model: dead animal carcass comes in, Instagram-able piece of steak comes out. That’s how they fill their cash register with buckaroos and veggies’ tears.

But watch out! Not all cuts are born equal.

Let me take you to a quick underground tour to the secret steak cuts that your butcher does not want you to know:

• Dress Steak: The distant cousin of the popular “vanilla” skirt steak. This cut, however, is much longer — below knee — and is ideal for night-outs and formal cocktail-dress events. This steak requires some preparation before your Sunday BBQ so prepare to undress it and to fold it like a crane origami before lighting up your coal.
• Clown’s Delight: A special cut coming from the cow’s nose. It is considered a delicacy by five extinct African tribes and two Australian monasteries with slightly above average sense of humor. It tastes kind of funny but please try not to laugh. Enjoy it with red sauce.
• Eiffel Steak: A cut that you will find with great difficulty outside of France. But trust me, you seriously need to try this elongated triangular marbled piece of red meat. It comes from the front end of the cow’s short loin and consists of a group of paralyzed muscles between two steel bones. Now that I think about it, last time I tried this steak I almost turned vegan. Maybe as many other things with the suffix “French” is not worth the time and energy investment (like French bulldogs and French defense.)
• (Harry) Potterhouse Steak: A truly magical cut of meat that was constantly appearing in the Harry Potter quintalogy. A true fan probably has noticed that Harry is enjoying this juicy steak in almost every other scene and every time he has a bite his voice is dropping half an octave. The Potterhouse Steak is located between the Troll-bone steak and the Unicorn’s rib cage. Ask your butcher for further clarifications on the ways a muggle can enjoy this cut.
• Pincer-movement steak: A cut that is strategically located on the lower abdomen of the cow. It is basically two flank steaks in an isosceles formation with two large sides and a very weak central part. It is said that many historical strategists inspired their battle strategies from this exquisite cut of meat.
• F***-bone “steak”: This foul-sounding cut was first conceptualized during the 18th century in a small village outside of Toscana, however, globalization and political correctness called for a family friendly name. So you can also call it “Lollipop Steak.” This cut comes from the bull’s genitals with an addition of 17 decorative bones in a Stonehenge formation. It is amazingly tasty but requires courage to try it for the first time. Be ballsy and order this cut from you local butcher.

Butchers exposed!

Feel free to surprise your local animal corpse seller for their high-level service with a witty remark and a box of vegan chocolate.

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