The Silly Goose Wants To Be Taken Seriously
Does this look like the face of a goose who is “silly?”
It’s time to have a real talk, well, real quack about who I am. When your namesake has been turned into a derogatory slur, it forces you to do a lot of soul searching. I’m tired of flying south and away from my problems every winter. I want to be taken seriously like every other creature, and let you know I’m just not the Silly Goose name I’ve been burdened with my entire lifespan.
I was a young gosling and it was college, okay? I flew beak-first into a window at a party, big whoop. Of course, the name “Silly Goose” just stuck! At first I laughed along because I wanted to fit in with the rest of the flock, but it was soon impacting my job applications and any aspiration to lead the flock to Miami Beach for hibernation one year. Has cancel culture gone too far when we’re now going for geese like me? Listen, Mother Goose wasn’t around so I didn’t have a good role model. Plus, no one ever paid attention to me because others were concentrating on making the Ugly Duckling feel good about themselves. Like sorry Ugly Duckling, but we all look the same so grow up!
Anyway, I’m not that same Silly Goose anymore. I still shit mercilessly everywhere I land, but I’ve grown and matured as many geese do after college. The name frankly doesn’t fit me anymore. I work a 9–5 corporate job as a tax accountant and I work until 7 every day. I’ve got eight kids, a mortgage, and a wife that’s on my tail feather about different nest improvement projects she wants done. I don’t get a mother-honking moment to myself. The last boys outing I attended was four years ago and consisted of five holes of golf before I had to fly off and tend to one of my goslings who got in trouble at school for pecking someone. Would a goose like I just described be categorized as “silly?”
Another thing I find so offensive about my hopefully soon-to-be former nickname is there are so many sillier geese, and species, than me. You want to hear about a silly-ass goose? Take Squawk, he’s my neighbor goose whose nest is one branch over. Do you know what he did just last night? He was sick of worms and cooked one of his girl’s eggs by accident! And they had been trying for so long… And yet I’m singled out for one wild night where I was basically still a young, stupid gosling? And now that we’re on the topic, let’s talk about something else that’s silly. Duck Duck Goose. What the duck? If it was up to me, I’d get the euphemism “Silly Human” going based on the silly stuff you guys are doing all the time. The Bachelor, anyone? Just mate with the one that has the biggest feathers, that’s how you rule them out!
So I stand before you today, who you have known as the Silly Goose, telling you I’m ready to be taken seriously. All this time of being called Silly Goose and no one even knows my real name. My name is Michael, I’m a subpar lover, I haven’t laughed in two years, and I am not a Silly Goose. And not to mention, what losers are even using the phrase “silly goose” anymore. So who’s the silly one now?
More from Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman:
