The Ultimate How-To How-To Guide

Over a Billion Claps Inexplicably Served and Counting

Roy
Roy
Aug 22, 2017 · 4 min read

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Your New and Improved Life!

The days of slogging on Medium, pathetically begging for measly clap-scraps are over.

You’re about to enter the winners’ circle, baby!

But first -

Put away that cutesy story about your offspring speaking its first word. (Lemme guess: Mama? Dada? We get it already!)

Delete that narrative about your puppy. You know — the one where you get in its head and pretend to share its thoughts. (It’s a DOG!)

Don’t even think about posting another anecdote about your friends, your family, your marriage, your cooking or the awkwardly frisky comment Grandma blurted on her 94th birthday.

You have no time for that now!

You’re about to ascend above the peons posting such drivel. (Note: They’re future followers so try not to call them that.)

Now let’s evoke your inner winner and prepare the world to prepare for -

[sit down and brace yourself / no, better you stand / no, go ahead and sit]

THE NEW YOU!


Chapter 1

Your Inner Winner

Let’s begin this journey to Medium greatness with a self-assessment to identify just how big a winner you are. (The freaks drawn to Medium seeking self-help advice and personal enrichment mumbo-jumbo won’t take it from just anyone.)

Everyone’s a winner on the inside, but let’s face it: nobody care’s what’s inside unless you’ve promised someone an organ. Always remember: It’s only lucrative to be a winner on the outside.

It’s only lucrative to be a winner on the outside.

It’s just like your belly button: Everyone prefers an outie more than a shy innie. In fact, the most popular self-help gurus on Medium were born with mutant outies. That’s right! They emailed us photos. (I kid you not: Some of them look as if they’re going to pop a gumball across the room.)

Everyone prefers an outie more than a shy innie.

OK — time to see what you’re made of!

Answer the following questions without hesitation.

Be sure to write your responses directly on the page.

BEGIN!

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

)

Roy

Written by

Roy

"Hi. My name is Roy." - Now that just sounds stupid. (thehappysidestep@gmail.com)

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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