The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Rewritten From A Body Positive Point Of View
On Wednesday he ate through three plums, but he was still hungry. And, can we just say, #WorkItKing.
In the light of the moon, a totally healthy egg lay on a leaf. Its weight, its size, and its shape are irrelevant.
One Sunday morning the warm sun came up… and pop! Out of the egg came a very worthy, very confident, and very attractive caterpillar. What we’re saying is this baby caterpillar could work it. He’s also very smart and loves puzzles, walks on the beach, and Wes Anderson. There is a lot more to him than his size.
On Monday he ate through one apple, but he was still hungry. He did love the apple, just like how he loved each and every one of his stretch marks and wrinkles.
On Tuesday he ate through two pears, but he was still hungry. He might have been hungry, but at least he wasn’t worried about if his body was pear shaped or triangle shaped or hourglass shaped. He had bigger things to worry about than what some editor at Cosmo thinks is the best button down shirt for his body shape.
On Wednesday he ate through three plums, but he was still hungry. And, can we just say, #WorkItKing. Eat what makes you happy, not what some archaic USDA food pyramid thinks.
On Thursday he ate through four strawberries, but he was still hungry. He also got an A+ on an algebra test today, but did anyone ask or care about that?!
On Friday he ate through five oranges, but he was still hungry. And do you know what he did with those orange peels? That’s right, he composted them, and really, shouldn’t we be focusing on the environment and not some caterpillar’s eating habits? Did you even know that 40% of the US food supply is wasted each year?
On Saturday he ate through…
One piece of chocolate cake, because it was his grandmother’s birthday and he had to celebrate, plus what’s life without a little fun?
One ice-cream cone, because it was a hot day, but, also, because he’s a valid caterpillar who deserves a cold treat.
One pickle, which has as many curves, rolls, and bumps as he does
One slice of Swiss cheese, which is just as special and unique as he is.
One slice of salami, which was a little spicy, just like our favorite spicy insect protagonist.
One lollipop, because he, too, is round and proud.
One piece of cherry pie, as bountiful as his beautiful ass.
One sausage, which was like his long and voluptuous body.
One cupcake, which like the caterpillar was sweet, creamy, and just the right size.
And one slice of watermelon, which was just as juicy as he is.
That night he had a stomachache! Luckily, it was the last thing that concerned him, as real men have stomach aches too.
The caterpillar ate through one nice leaf, and after that he felt better. That’s right, caterpillars eat salads too. It’s not just junk food, which is such an ugly stereotype.
Now he wasn’t hungry anymore — and he wasn’t a little caterpillar anymore. No, he was a large and in-charge caterpillar.
He was a big, fat caterpillar and he #LOVED it!
He built a small house called a cocoon around himself. He also surrounded himself with friends and allies who supported him, no matter what his weight was.
He stayed inside for more than two weeks. Then he nibbled a hole in the cocoon, pushed his way out and… he was a big, beautiful, bootylicious butterfly, and he loved himself!
