The White Trash Guide To Finding True Love
Are you tired of a fulfilling and independent lifestyle? Are you sick of healthy relationships with no spark? Are you missing the adrenaline of toxic drama in your every day routine?
If this aligns with your aura— you’re in luck! Our case workers have put together a quick and easy guide to help shackle you down and find true manipulative chaos this hand-cuffing season.
Don’t be fooled by a man who has a 401k or owns an ironing board. All he can provide you is an Amazon Prime account and a family plot. Forget him and all of his teeth. Your perfect screaming match is newly on probation and ready to mingle.
All mess and no fuss, we’ve made it easy and sleazy for you to evaluate if this is the tension headache for you. So gitty up cowgirl, you’re riding bareback!
Relationship Status
Is he already married? Rad!— then you know he’s not afraid of commitment! Here are your green flag situations you should be on the lookout for in an ideal sister-wife experience:
- Him and his ex broke up 2 years ago. They still live together and they share the same bed each night, but he promises you its platonic and nothing’s “really’ happening.
- His wife “got gross’ and understands that he has needs that can only be fulfilled by the other women he meets at the American Legion.
- This is Montana and they’re common-law.
- He’s a victim to his bitch wife who is always “working hard” to “provide.”
- She’s a blow up doll.
Employability
Good news — he just heard from a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that they’ve got a job for him. Here are the top resume builders to keep an eye out for on his LinkedIn:
- Job: Veterinarian. Description: Scrapes roadkill off the highway for Game & Fish.
- Job: Successful coder. Description: Over the last 15 years, has consistently created his own backgrounds for his MySpace page.
- Job: Chemistry teacher. Description: Is an actual teacher, except for the part where he’s not a teacher and just binge watched Breaking Bad during quarantine.
- Job: County Q’Anon Chairman. Description: Your aunt’s husband.
- Job: Youth pastor. Description: Hands out more than Bibles outside the middle school.
Offspring
Does he have at least one bun in the oven? Score! It’s always been a beloved tradition of the women in your family to negotiate with Child Protective Services. Shoot for the stars with these ideal illegitimate circumstances:
- He’s never met the kid, but has a life-sized tattoo of the kid’s face on his shoulder.
- He’s been telling himself for awhile now that he’s sterile.
- He thinks the hot young blonde bartender he took home the other night resembles his high school sweetheart and has his mother’s eyes, but best not to overthink it.
- No kids. But the skate rink he works at doesn’t run background checks.
After you’ve identified what type of man is perfect for you — it’s time to accessorize!
Transportation
- He has a sick ass van, but needs to return it to his grandma before aqua-aerobics.
- He borrows the pizza shop’s delivery car that’s shaped like a piece of pizza. It has terrible gas mileage but at least it’s a convertible.
- He’s super outdoorsy and loves to bike everywhere and it has nothing to do with his license being revoked.
Jail Time
And finally. If you’re bringing your newly freed beloved home to meet daddy’s shotgun, make sure you can explain his rap sheet quickly and concisely. Here’s a few ideas to spice up those charges:
- In for meth → He’s a great cook.
- In for a DUI → He believes in U & I.
- In for impersonating the mayor at a little league tournament → His confidence will always overcome his performance issues.
- In for light treason → He’s a patriot.
- In for physical altercations with Walmart staff → Khrystale Jo violated his 1st Amendment right telling him he couldn’t take a deuce in the dressing room. Again — patriot.
