Theatre Euphemism Translations
COME TO OUR GALA! — We’re going to party like rich people to raise money because we’re not rich people!
FLASH SALE, TONIGHT ONLY! — My grandma is the sole audience member so far and I’m going to hear about the low attendance at Thanksgiving for the next 8 years.
SEEKING EXCITED ARTISTIC COLLABORATORS! — You will not be paid and Todd the sound guy will spill beer on you.
SEASON ANNOUNCEMENT! — We argued for 6 weeks and finally gave in to each other’s ideas and now here we are, for another year.
WE TAKE PLAY SUBMISSIONS FOR BOTH MAIN STAGE SHOWS AND DEVELOPMENT READINGS! — 1 main stage show every 5 years and 10 readings on a deserted island. BYOA. (Bring Your Own Audience)
SHOW EXTENDED TWO MORE WEEKS! — Listen, next up is a production of Hamlet entirely in German and no one’s coming to it and this one is selling okay so we need to get that cash ASAP otherwise we have to do another bake sale and I can’t stand to watch Todd the sound guy shill oatmeal raisin cookies again, okay? Danke.
ONE MORE DAY OF AUDITIONS ADDED! — There are lots of people coming in but I’m worried they’re all pretty bad because their headshots are shirtless selfies. I shouldn’t have posted it on craigslist. I never learn.
WORLD PREMIERE PRODUCTION! — If this goes okay we’ll do another one in 10 years. If not, I will sell my plasma on the black market. Again.
SUBMISSION WINDOW EXTENDED! — I lit the first round of entries on fire. Let us never speak of them again.
OPENING FOR AN ASSOCIATE ARTISTIC JUNIOR ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR STAFF ASSOCIATE ARTIST PERSON! — We need another body in this office and I have no idea what to call them but they will probably have to scrub the toilet and then sometimes we’ll let them tell us their silly ideas but we’ll definitely do what we wanted to do anyway. Sorrryyyyyy.
SEEKING MANAGING DIRECTOR! — None of us know how to pay an electric bill. Yes, we asked Todd. He declined.
RENT OUR BEAUTIFUL SPACE! — German Hamlet didn’t work out and we need $2400 QUICK.
FREE SET PIECES! — Todd got a nail through his foot yesterday and he’s not suing us this time but now we have to get rid of all the old set walls because they’re honestly riddled with nails. Must love nails.
SEEKING AN UP AND COMING SOUND DESIGNER! — Todd got tetanus and now we’d like to hire someone for slightly less than we were paying Todd.