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Well guys, the American experiment has been real fun and all. But now that Meghan Markle is finally engaged to Prince Harry, there’s never been a better time to call it quits and return to the frigid embrace of Mother England.
Don’t get me wrong — America’s had some good times. Like the 90s. And Shark Week. And those 11 minutes when Trump’s Twitter was down. But I think I speak for all of us when I say: Democracy has run its course. Plus, we could really use a royal wedding to cheer us up right now.
Before you shut your laptop and rage-hurl tea into Boston Harbor, hear me out. First off, Prince George and Princess Charlotte will probably be involved in the ceremony. They’ll reach mind-exploding levels of cute as they toddle down the aisle in formal wedding attire. And as a British colony, we’ll have reason to declare the wedding a national holiday and take off work so we can watch the coverage all day long.
It’s not just about the ceremony either. There are other benefits. For instance, Meghan and Harry will probably have an adorable royal baby at some point. Royal babies are much, much better than presidential ones. And they can’t tweet.
Also, Meghan’s dress. Will it be a ball gown? A-line? Covered in lace? Or trailing a long train? This is exactly the sort of speculation we’ll get to engage in for months as we British subjects eagerly anticipate the wedding.
And sure, it’s a little embarrassing to run back to England with our tail between our legs less than two-and-a half centuries after the savage subtweet that is the Declaration of Independence. But it cannot be worse than whatever Trump just said.
I assume becoming a British colony would also be good for our national debt or something like that. And I hear they’ve got stricter gun laws and better healthcare. In general, they just seem to do government better.
As you try desperately to get that image out of your head, you’re probably thinking: Is this even legal? How quickly can we make it happen? Would Lin Manuel-Miranda write a new version of “You’ll Be Back” to commemorate the occasion? Would Jonathan Groff quit Mindhunter and reprise his role as King George to sing it? What’s the antonym of “Brexit”?
I don’t know the answer to any of those questions. But I do know this: Meghan is one of ours. She was born and raised in Los Angeles. And if Prince Harry can fall in love with and marry her, then surely his country can welcome us back with open (if stiff) arms.
It’s time to follow Meghan Markle’s example and flee to England. Let’s make America Great Britain again.