There’s Only Room For One Cool Dad In This Newborn Care Class, Dylan

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Oh, hey… Dylan.

Yes, I know your name. Not that I really care who you are, but I do see that you wrote “Steff and Dylan | 31 weeks | baby girl!” on your name placard. I noticed that you made the letters shoot out lightning bolts reminiscent of Metallica’s Ride the Lightning album cover. And that you did this despite your partner’s playful objection of “Babe… doooon’t!” followed by a loving light arm punch.

All this makes me wonder: do you think that you’re the father-to-be in here who’s committed to maintaining the rebellious, independent persona that defines your self-image — while at the same time learning how to be a supportive partner during a difficult life change? If that’s the case, then I’ve got some bad news for you compadre: there’s only room for one Cool Dad in this newborn care class, and it’s me.

Perhaps you didn’t see me back here. I’m sitting in the very last row of this basement conference room. That’s as far from the swaddling demonstration table as you can get. I guess I just needed some extra space to sprawl my sweatpants-wearing legs comfortably in the aisle. We got here ten minutes early to score these seats.

You, on the other hand, rolled in at 2:02 pm, which you probably think was reckless, since the email clearly said: “class…