Slackjaw
Published in

Slackjaw

They Just Don’t Make Masks Big Enough For My Magnum-Sized Face

Photo by Gregory Hayes on Unsplash

I know you want me to wear protection, but sorry, retailers, I just can’t. Unfortunately, they don’t make masks big enough for this massive rock-hard throbbing face.

You’ve probably seen me around before, maybe even whispered to your friends about me:

“Who is that guy?

“I don’t know, but look how big his hands are.”

“You know what they say about big hands: big, hot, sloppy face.”

I’m not trying to brag or anything, but usually, when I show other retail stores my face, they’re all like, “Oh my god! Your face is so big! I’ve never seen a face that big before, I don’t even know if I can take it.” And then I’m all like, “Don’t worry babe, I’ll be gentle as I take this big ol’ face deep down into aisle four to grab some medicated foot powder.” And then they’re all like, “Oh god! Do it!”

But now all of a sudden everyone is scared and they’re like, “Why aren’t you wearing a mask?” or “Put this free mask on,” or “Quit open mouth coughing on me,” and honestly, I’ve had enough of it. You can’t pin this wild stallion down. It’s not my fault that I’ve been gifted with a face so big it’d put a Klingon to shame.

I just feel so much closer to you retailers when I don’t have to mess with that stupid mask. With no mask, you’re fully able to glory at my face’s crater-like pores, ten-head forehead, and my nose that is crooked like a knuckle. Plus, we both know that even if I did try to put it on, the mask is just going to break halfway through.

Come on, you know I’m disease-free. No, I’m not saying we’re exclusive or anything. I mean, come on, all the stores want a piece of this humongous Zordon face, and there’s plenty of it to go around. This is a very real issue and a completely legitimate reason to not wear a mask. I’m almost entirely pretty confident I’m disease-free.

So get ready Walmart, hold on Trader Joes, spread-’em Target, because I’ve got some massive big face energy and I’m about to burst through your door. Check me out because I’m swingin’ face and I’m coming for you.

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Medium humor. Large laughs.

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Brandon J. Talley

Brandon J. Talley

Los Angeles based comedy writer. Published in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and Robot Butt.

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