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Things I Can Only Assume To Be True About Baby Yoda Because I Refuse To Pay For Yet Another Streaming Service

Elly Lonon
Slackjaw
Published in
3 min readJan 16, 2020

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His mom is dead.

The character is voiced by a middle-aged woman.

He spends a lot of time riding tricycles with cartoon Kermit and Gonzo.

Lightsabers.

There is at least one musical episode.

Disney is already developing an attraction repurposing the Hall of Presidents where an animatronic Johnny Carson will play with Baby Yoda while someone in a pith helmet watches from across a giant desk.

He has a catchphrase (“Yo, duh!”) always spoken with a precocious eye roll.

During a flashback, he will be covered in amniotic residue (or the alien equivalent) for the sake of authenticity.

As a tween, he’ll release a self-titled pop album produced by his domineering father.

Some Imagineer has already been fired for not developing a Dancing Baby Yoda™ in time to be on shelves by Black Friday.

Ewoks.

Lots of dimly lit scenes in tight, intimate spaces like the inside of a yurt or in an organic living space — like a cave, the ribs of a decomposing carcass, or the space between massive tree roots — while characters share profound insights over cups of dayglo liquids that smoke through the magic of dry ice because let’s keep the CGI to a minimum, for the love of Jim Henson, Favreau.

He’ll have a cameo on Kids Say the Darndest Things.

Indigenous people were consulted regarding potentially problematic storylines but another character still claims onscreen to be 1/16th Yoda.

He’s actually played by identical twins.

In ten years #babyyoda will trend again on whatever social media platform we’re using then with his mugshot for his arrest for possession of methamphetamines. Your kids will email you links to clickbait articles with the title “YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT THIS CHILD STAR LOOKS LIKE NOW!” and you’ll wonder if Harrison Ford is still alive and if he’s still married to Ally McBeal and lose an hour googling “dancing baby” for the sake of posterity.

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Elly Lonon
Slackjaw

Author of the graphic novel AMONGST THE LIBERAL ELITE: THE ROAD TRIP EXPLORING SOCIETAL INEQUITIES SOLIDIFIED BY TRUMP (RESIST). https://bit.ly/2KAS6da