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Tom Mitchell
Buoyed up by knowledge of my greatness, indulged by waiters, favoured by the women in the market and adored by passers-by.

Things I did while watching Stranger Things

(Contains the mildest of mild spoilers)

  1. Got half-way through telling my wife that Johnny Depp, after splitting with Winona, had his ‘Winona forever’ tattoo altered to read ‘Wino forever’. Was stopped because, like everyone else ever, she’d heard this story already.
  2. Googled ‘the video game with scientists and portals that everyone’s forgotten about’.
  3. Felt a bit awkward when watching teenagers get it on. Like back when I was a teenager but with the added pervert factor of now being in my thirties.
  4. Was relieved I’d not gone to a fictional school in 1980s American. The lockers! The moody outcasts! The under-characterised dads!
  5. Asked my wife if ‘Eleven’ was a nice name for a girl. Didn’t listen to her response, instead concluded that ‘Eleven Mitchell’ sounded powerful and modern.
  6. Got bored of The Clash. ‘Go,’ I said. ‘They should go.’ My wife didn’t respond.
  7. Realised that Winona Ryder acts with her eyes. And only her eyes. Winona Eyeder.
  8. Wondered if the script demanded that one of the kids had missing teeth or whether the kid turned up to audition with missing teeth and the Duffer Brothers were like ‘that’s cool’ because it suggested character without having to worry about effective characterisation etc.
  9. Felt confident that the Duffer Brothers were dicks.
  10. Said this to my wife but couldn’t answer when she asked why, other than imagining them high-fiving each other after they’d come up with the title.
  11. Felt reminded of every 1990s Stephen King adaptation that I’d ever sat through and how I never quite enjoyed them either.
  12. Noticed that kids in 1983 spoke like kids in 2016.
  13. Asked my wife if we should try for another kid. A girl. To be called ‘Eleven’.
  14. Read previews of the new English football season as an antidote to all the America. There’s too much America in 2016. Even Americans agree.
  15. Thought about how the English version of Stranger Things would have a portal open in Scunthorpe rather than a dark parallel dimension. And be all the more troubling for it.
  16. Wondered when someone might write an analysis of Stranger Things and how it related to the current political context because Trump’s America is like the dark dimension and Hillary Clinton is the non-Winona Ryder mom and it’d be published in The New Yorker for sure.
  17. Decided that I liked the title sequence.
  18. Decided that I didn’t like the title sequence.
  19. Wondered if all these shows are set in the 70s/80s/90s because it’s easier to write crime/horror/thriller without worrying about mobile phones and/or the internet.
  20. Thought about what life would be like if I had a mouth for a face. Would I eat more or less? I’d feel self-conscious going to restaurants. And I’d still have a normal sized throat and stomach presumably.
  21. Listened to my wife eloquently explain why Stranger Things is great TV. Replied: ‘yeah’.
  22. Pitched a video game based around me watching Stranger Things.
  23. Went to the toilet like I just didn’t care and recklessly refused my wife’s offer to pause the show.
  24. Remembered Northern Exposure. I really like Northern Exposure. Nobody ever talks about Northern Exposure.
  25. Said ‘that’s New Order’ to my wife.
  26. Watched my wife shrug. Didn’t reveal that it had actually been Joy Division.
  27. Decided that I’d like to be a grizzly ex-cop seeking redemption in a lost child case. The drinking. The shooting. The women. Rather than a loser with a laptop. With the drinking. And the typing. And the sobbing.
  28. Thought to give myself a buzzcut. It’d be a conversation starter. I’d be nice to touch too. Like a soft brush. I don’t like being touched.
  29. Wondered if top secret government agencies had Christmas parties. Or five-a-side football leagues. It’d be a bonus if not. That’s how the top secret government agencies can always find employees, even though what they’re doing is obviously evil. With the children and the monsters.
  30. Subscribed to the Stranger Things Spotify playlist.
  31. Thought about playing Portal.
  32. Wrote an email pitch to Netflix, suggesting that their shows not only come with Spotify playlists but also recommended meals and drinks. For instance: ‘Episode 3 would go great with chicken nuggets and some flat Dr Pepper.’
  33. Unsubscribed from the Stranger Things Spotify playlist.
  34. Asked my wife why there hadn’t been a Station Wagon like in National Lampoon like in all American mini-series set in the 1980s.
  35. Wrote a pitch for a cable show where all my favourite characters from Fargo, True Detective, The Night Of, etc, join forces to fight a giant-sized Matthew Modine.
  36. Downloaded Half-Life.
  37. ‘Don’t they ever masturbate? They’re teenage boys! WHAT IF THE PORTALS HAD BEEN OPENED BY THE POWER OF WANKING?’
  38. Bet my wife that the cast all had Instagram accounts.
  39. Found the Instagram accounts.
  40. Thought about Winona Ryder’s eyes.
  41. Googled the age of Matthew Modine.
  42. Felt bad about deciding the Duffer Brothers were dicks. I’m a dick.
  43. Pitched a Jamaican version of the show called Stranger Tings.
  44. Read Guardian/NYT articles about this smash-hit TV show and what it said about new ways people consume entertainment and how the Duffer Brothers were the hottest thing around and suddenly shit haircuts and woods were like super cool/on fleek and zzzzzzzz.
  45. Googled the age of Winona Ryder because she must be immortal.
  46. ‘If parallel worlds exist, it’s a shame the portals always lead to nasty ones.’
  47. Decided that the three kids were annoying. And that I wanted them eaten by monsters. And if this were to happen, I’d take back everything I’d said that was negative about the show.
  48. Laughed about Dungeons and Dragons and how there was so going to be bars in Dalston/Williamsburg dedicated to the game. The shit game. The shit game for awkward boys. I hate Dungeons and Dragons. If you showed me a Dungeons and Dragons set or whatever you use to play it, I’d rip it up right in front of your awkward face.
  49. Thought there’d be an article out there listing all of Stranger Things’ references to other horror shows.
  50. Didn’t look for it.
  51. Told my wife that ‘everything’s meta nowadays’. Was instructed to either shut up or leave the room.
  52. Tried to hum the title music.
  53. Pitched a version of the show called Ranger Things, where the action was moved to the stadium of English Championship side Queen’s Park Rangers.
  54. Thought about how most job adverts state that having a sense of humour is important but, from the look of it, it’s less of a priority when working for top secret government agencies. ‘Good job with the killing of the witnesses, Tom,’ my boss would say, ‘But fewer wisecracks during departmental meetings, please.’
  55. Searched Twitter for people that were as down on Stranger Things as me. Failed.
  56. Imagined going for a pint with Winona Ryder. I’d charm her, even if, as I suspect, she’d be a bit difficult. ‘Winona,’ I’d say. ‘Stop with the chucking of beer mats everywhere and also the manic giggling.’ But she’d look at me with those eyes and I’d forgive her anything.
  57. Asked my wife the name of the actor who plays Jim Hopper. She didn’t know.
  58. Wondered if there was enough time before bed to watch The Evil Dead.
  59. Pitched Netflix a horror show that was just clips of past horror shows.
  60. Realised this had been done already: Fear Itself.
  61. ‘Is Winona on Twitter? I wonder if she’d follow me.’
  62. Discovered that Winona wasn’t on Twitter.
  63. Felt my heart break.
  64. Thought about how much I hate Dungeons and Dragons.
  65. Wrote this.
  66. Had a poo.