Things I hate

The noise my Tivo box makes.

Middle-aged men cycling to work, dressed in lycra.

St Patrick’s Day.

Essays about grandparents/treasured memories.

Pitchfork scores.

The phrase ‘road map’.

Other people’s opinions.

Writers writing in a funny voice and CAPITAL LETTERS and EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!

The way the coffee machine at work drops dark liquid into my mug before I’ve selected my drink.

Using hands-free on public transport now society has agreed that using hands-free on public transport isn’t on.

Ski-ing holidays or, more precisely, people who go on skiing holidays.

Cheek kisses as a greeting. Especially with strangers.

People who use ‘methinks’.

Waiting for emails.

Branding.

Rugby.

The representation of women in mainstream media. (I wish real women were that hot/easy.)

Ironic misogyny.

The ‘ding’ of other people’s iPhones.

Columnists in The Guardian Weekend magazine.

All the marketing mail-outs for which I never signed up & from which I can seemingly never unsubscribe.

The temperature setting at my parents’ home.

Facebook messages from people with whom I’ve not spoken for years.

Facebook.

‘Life lessons’.

The way people feel compelled to judge whether whether my children look like my wife or my husband.

New Pixies.

That my four-year old knows whenever I ask where he wants to go over the weekend, replying ‘Pootown’ will make me laugh.

Other people’s children.

How drinking in the week makes me feel guilty.

Drivers glaring at me.

Washing up.

The tone of my morning alarm.

My falling Twitter follower count. Suckers don’t appreciate art.

Pictures of other people’s children.

People who tell me which university they attended without me asking which university they attended AKA Oxbridge graduates.

Contemporary British fiction.

Work conversations about weekend plans.

The smell of food on public transport.

Not having shitloads of money.

The idea of a sophisticated palate.

Tech chat.

People’s reaction when I say I like vinyl records.

The New Yorker ‘humor’ and ‘fiction’.

People who say they climb mountains because the mountain ‘is there’.

All the fucking promotional emails I receive.

The podcasts.

Being in my thirties.

‘X’ kisses.

Conversations about London property prices.

The smell of the interior of my car. Like dying candy.

People who don’t instantly reply to text messages.

Donald Trump’s mouth.

Going to the toilet. Especially like more than once in the morning.

Website editors never running any of my stuff.

Lists.

The top ten Medium posts.

Death.