Things I Say To My Kidnapper To Humanize Myself
“You always want to approach a negotiation in a friendly, calm manner,” Walker said, “because the way you speak can make or break a deal.” — How to Bargain Like a Kidnap Negotiator, The New York Times
“I saw the sweatshirt in the trunk of the van was from BU, did you go there? I was class of 2018. This warehouse is giving School of Management vibes before they got the 50-million-dollar endowment, right?”
“That is such a chic ski mask… where did you get it? From Forever 21? Wow! How is the quality? I mean I cannot see any defining features, so it must be better than when I was in middle school. Do you ever feel guilty about the whole fast fashion thing?”
“So what are you doing to keep the dark circles at bay? The skin by your eyes is so fine and bag-free. Nothing like these bags. I cannot seem to sleep more than six hours. I have a dog, Legolas, who jumps onto the bed every night at 4am and I can’t seem to sleep after that. Did I mention that Legolas, my rescued mutt, has hip dysplasia and fully relies on me to live? If anything happened to me, well… he wouldn’t get his next cortisone shot.”
“Do you eat dairy?”
“Do you like Taylor Swift? I saw the Eras Tour twice and was once called a frothing Swiftie during an online game of Catan by someone in Scotland. It was funny in a lot of ways but also very cruel… you see my dad is from Scotland, but you can’t say you’re from there unless you have a brogue… do you think people copying accents is an offensive form of comedy?”
“I actually just met my mom’s new boyfriend — the first one I’ve ever liked — and I would love to see how this one pans out… Oh my gosh, I just had a thought… maybe we could take these zip ties off and bead him a friendship bracelet?”
“What’s your death row meal — I mean not that I would ever call the police or anything, I meant it casually. It’s more hypothetical, you know, like what’s your favorite food, I guess? Mine’s peanut butter. Sticky mouths can’t snitch!”
“Spring or fall? Wait, you like winter? No sane person likes winter. Not that you aren’t sane…”
“Have I mentioned that I have a best friend? Her name is Devin, 5’5”ish blonde hair, we talk every day about niche influencers. She’s probably wondering where I am right now since I haven’t texted about Love is Blind yet… Did you see the new season?”
“Oh, well all you need to know is that two people fall in love without seeing each other — I know, crazy, right? It’s almost like we’re on Love is Blind right now since I can only see those big brown eyes. Our “will he won’t he?” is super different. One great thing about the show is that they can change their mind all the way up to the last second. You totally have that choice here, too. Anyways, what do you and your best friend talk about? Oh… you talk about which houses to hit. So cool. Do you use Zillow? I would love to own a house one day — wink, wink.”
“I just want to remind you that I won’t snitch. I’d pinky promise if you untie my hands!”
“Quick reminder! I’m Carly Gibson, a human with dreams of one day owning a home, daughter of Martha… My first pet was a rabbit that I thought was a girl but humped a stuffed animal into oblivion and was definitely a boy. And don’t forget about Legolas! I think you’d really like my dog — we could meet up some other time?”
“Should we play a game? My favorite as a kid was red light green light. We should play sometime. You go first. RED LIGHT. I got you right before you placed that chloroform rag over my face! Oop… I saw you move. Now you have to go to the back of this abandoned warehouse and start over. Playground rules.”
