Things I’ve Done Out Of An Abundance Of Caution
I’m now brain-damaged, but I don’t have COVID.
Written by Jennie Young and Christopher Shelley
Contrary to what my girlfriend says, I’m not a “maniac.” I just take reasonable precautions to keep us safe during the pandemic. For example, I’ve always taken a multi-vitamin, but recently I added separate Vitamin D and zinc tablets to boost my immune system — reasonable stuff like that.
I also eat seventeen fish oil caplets a day so that if I do travel and my plane crashes in the ocean, the fish will think I’m part fish and I’ll have a fighting chance at survival. I mainline Vitamin C three times per day. All my veins are collapsed, and I have something called “necrosis.” I don’t know what that is, but it’s probably not as bad as COVID.
I take extra precautions in the elevator in our apartment building (for all of us!) In the elevator, I don’t touch anything, not even the buttons. I wait until someone from my floor calls for the elevator. If someone from the wrong floor calls for the elevator when the door opens I scream at them not to come in and I keep waiting. Once, it took me three hours to get to the second floor. If there is even one other person in the elevator before I get on, I turn around, go back to my apartment, and quarantine for fourteen days.
