Things You Need To Forgive Yourself For Because You Survived A Pandemic

Eytan Raphaely
Jan 24 · 3 min read
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Image for post
Illustration by Rian Ruyle

1. Not getting any new hobbies

It’s time to be honest: you can’t keep pressuring yourself into growing as a person. Especially not after the trauma of a pandemic. Just because some people on lockdown used their time to learn an instrument or start knitting, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with just vegging out for a couple of months. Also, you were super busy; first Tiger King came out, then everyone watched Love is Blind, then fucking Queen’s Gambit started, so it’s honestly not like you had that much time to do other stuff. It’s totally okay to just sit around for a year doing nothing. That’s pretty much what the Buddha did to reach enlightenment, and people love that guy!

2. Not having a job

Listen, man, the pandemic has been hard on everyone. 6.7% of the population is currently unemployed: you just happen to be one of the unlucky ones. Sure, you were unemployed several years before the whole COVID thing happened, but it’s not like the pandemic helped the situation. Plus, you have to look on the bright side: not having a job has given you so much time to explore your hobbies and passions. Could employed people get 100% on all the songs on Guitar Hero 3? I think not.

3. Not paying child support

Do you know how scary a pandemic is? There’s a whole genre of horror based on the situation you are currently living through. It’s crazy that people still expect you to pay for your kid’s juice boxes or milk boxes or whatever kind of boxed liquid your kids drink, knowing full well that you don’t even have a job. Your mental health is more valuable than any amount of liquid in any form of packaging. How much does this kid need to drink, anyway?

4. Killing your pet

During the pandemic, we all felt tremendous amounts of loneliness and isolation. We were forced to say goodbye to so many people that we rely on to get us through the day. To counteract this, many of us bought a new four-legged family member. And sure, some of us got so into Guitar Hero 3 that we forgot to feed our new pal, but you have to stop beating yourself up about it. Sometimes you forget to grab a mask when you go to the supermarket; sometimes you forget to feed Fang for a couple of weeks. Change is hard, but so is forgiveness. Fang’s in a better place now and would want you to move on. Do it for him.

5. Joining a cult

Quarantine was scary: our government pretty much turned its back on us, and it felt like no one knew what to do. But you know who was there and who did know what to do? The All-Father. It’s not your fault that you were lured into his “family”: the world practically pushed you into his arms. He promised you a world with no diseases, no masks, and no worries. It sounded amazing! In hindsight, it turned into a weird sex thing a little too quickly, but you were blinded by fear and basking in All-Father’s glory. It was during a pandemic. You were malleable! Plus, if it turns out the All-Father is right, then the afterlife will provide you and your loved ones nothing but bountiful harvests and buxom lasses.

6. Sacrificing your firstborn son

This one is pretty hard to rationalize. But the pandemic makes you do some crazy things! Sometimes, All-Father picks you to go to the spirit world by drinking a gallon of ayahuasca, and you end up getting a vision from the galactic seal (praise be the wet one) who tells you to off little Simon in order to “rebalance civilization.” You were just trying your best! Plus, the kid was costing you a fortune in beverages.

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Thanks to Sarah James

Eytan Raphaely

Written by

Eytan Raphaely is a comedian from Seattle. His other characteristics include: Jewish, brown hair, and tattoos.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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