This Algorithmically Optimized Mindfulness App Makes You Feel Much Better
Good morning. Welcome back to the free version of Mindful-Nice!, your personalized and algorithmically optimized mindfulness app. It looks like we haven’t seen you for a while. As a recap, our coaches, who are one-third human, one-third robot, and one-third yoga pants wearing ancient ethereal spirit, lead you through sessions to re-focus your mind, re-center your body, and re-enlighten your whole being as to how much better you feel because of this app.
Before we start, put away all distractions so you can be fully present in this moment. Hold up, I know you’ve got bluetooth earbuds but it’s okay to keep your phone within reach and eyesight. If you’re doing the session right, it won’t be a distraction.
By the way, if you click on this bright red flashing link, you can receive a limited-time deal of 1% off the lifetime cost of Mindful-Nice! X-treme version. For your convenience, throughout the entire session, the link will flash at an ever-increasing cadence. Use the code I-FEEL-MUCH-BETTER.
Now let’s get started. In a comfortable seated position, pat yourself on the back and celebrate starting this session. I notice you’re struggling. In the last 0.21 seconds, our proprietary analytics have browsed and analyzed your emails and noted the correspondence with an overpriced tendonitis specialist. Without judgment, our algorithm has acknowledged your dwindling savings and failing body. With kindness to yourself, do the same.
Wow, that feels much better already, doesn’t it?
By the way, we also noticed a particularly saucy email and attachment you sent to your ex. That can be the focus of another session.
Center yourself and your breathing. I invite you to gently pick up your phone and consider our limited-time deal. Remember the code is I-FEEL-MUCH-BETTER.
Continue to breathe and notice the sensations through your nose. Feel the cooler air as you breathe in. Feel the warmer air as you breathe out. Slow your breathing down again as you let that coughing fit pass.
I thought you said you quit.
You definitely told me you quit.
You even did our guided session on celebrating quitting.
Okay, I’ll drop it. Just know that Mindful-Nice! keeps a complete record of exactly when, where, and why you complete every session. That’s part of how we powerfully calibrate sessions specifically for you. I sense your blood pressure is rising, your body is seizing up, and your vibe is declining.
Let’s move on. Shift your attention to your feet. Wriggle your toes and notice the sensations as your blood starts flowing. Now to your calves, then to your knees. Remember when those legs carried you for a sub-three-hour marathon? Gee, what a feeling.
Oh, you can’t remember that feeling? Well, what I can factually tell you is that it’s been ten years, three months, and two days since your marathon.
Hmm, grab your phone, and let’s go for a walk outside. With gratefulness, notice how this session has been re-calibrated to your needs in real-time. Also notice how that makes you feel much better.
This next exercise will re-frame your momentary worries. As you walk, intentionally notice and name three things. What’s the first thing? A boutique homewares shop selling hand-crafted goods and overpriced candles.
Very nice, keep going. A two-story Hamptons-style house with a white picket fence and perfectly manicured rose gardens.
Sounds lovely. And lastly? A young family of four. They’re in the perfectly manicured rose garden wearing matching pastel linens. They have chiseled features and lush flowing hair. They look like they could all do a sub-two-and-a-half-hour marathon. They’re playing, laughing, and singing in four-part harmonies about how much they love each other. They smell like cinnamon and not your regular cinnamon. They smell like expensive organic, fair-trade cinnamon. The kind of cinnamon they would buy from the boutique homewares shop. Actually, they probably own the shop.
With appreciation, notice how your previous worries have faded into insignificance. Through our patented telepathic powers, I sense a growing feeling of existential anxiety. Try not to dwell on that because we need to finish this session and also we need you to feel much better.
To wrap up, close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and remember why you started this session: you received a push notification for a limited-time upgrade deal. Thanks to our algorithm, I know you know what the code is because I know you feel much better.
