This Guy is in Everything You Love

A.k.a I’m watching “Jurassic World” and need something else to do

Written while listening to: my mom yell “SHE GONE!” when the British chick gets eaten by the mosasaur. True story.

As you may have guessed, I’m watching Jurassic World.

As you also may have guessed, I have feelings about Jurassic World that are not good feelings. But there’s one thing I did love about Jurassic World.

Freakin’ this guy:

Not his character. Guy was the living worst. Look at that smug bastard. Look at his smug I’m-gonna-use-dinosaurs-for-the-militury-of-Murica face.

But the dude playin’ that dude is Vincent D’Onofrio. And we need to appreciate him for a second for being in three amazing things that we didn’t even recognize him in.

I didn’t know that was his name until I looked it up. Hell, I can’t even say that name. To me, his last name looks like what a cookie-flavored donut would be called (get on that, Dunkin’.) And I didn’t even recognize him. Because that freakin’ chameleon of a man has been in basically everything awesome.

He was THIS dude in Full Metal Jacket…

Then he was THIS guy in Men in Black…

…possibly better recognized as THIS guy, Edgar…

And finally — and most recently — he was also in a little Marvel show on the best TV network not on TV, Netflix, where he plays giant man-baby, Wilson Fisk on Daredevil…

His man-baby-face is actually an upgrade from the comics, though, where he looked like a squishy turtle, a marshmallow, and a fetus all had a baby…

He was also in a movie called The Cell where he had horns and giant nipple rings. Never seen it, but this picture’s pretty important…

He was also in a movie called Mystic Pizza, which I think is also pretty important. Not because I’ve ever seen it either, or even heard of it. But it’s called Mystic Pizza, which is a damn beautiful title.

So, a jerk dinosaur army dude, an alien cockroach, a nipple-ringed devil thing, and a guy who’s physically only able to say “THIS CITYYY” and gutteral noises in Daredevil…it appears Mr. D’Onofrio has been typecast as a freakin’ box of chocolates where every role he gets is freakin’ bizarre-o.

And for that, Mr. D’Onofrio, for helping make some of the things we love that much more awesome, we love you. And we thank you.

xo