Sorry, I’m late. It’s a blizzard out there! I hope the fun hasn’t started without me. Wait, why am I the only one wearing a raccoon skin cap and linen breeches? Are we not all here for a brutal reenactment of frontier cannibalism? Oh, this is a dinner party? I thought you said Donner Party.
I’m so embarrassed. Abby, you planned a lovely evening of canapés and polite conversation and here I am thinking we were going to choose the weakest among us to kill and devour raw. Unless everyone is into my thing? No, you’re right, all that blood would ruin these ivory rugs. Also, we’d be willfully committing nature’s greatest taboo. That too.
Where are my manners? You must be Abby’s brother Gerald. How’s the pot roast? Beef is the closest meat in appearance to human flesh, but I’ve read that human flesh tastes most similar to pork. Yeah, only read about it in books… so far.
Caroline, would you believe this is the third time this has happened to me? It’s almost like I so desperately want to consume my fellow man, I hear Donner on purpose, hoping that one time I’ll be right.
Did you make these goat cheese pastry puffs, Samantha? I brought an appetizer too. Homemade hardtack. It’s a tough biscuit made of flour and water, but I season mine with a little salt. Sorry, I only brought two pieces. Looks like we’re all out of food and will have to resort to eating each other. I vote we eat Caroline. She’s a teacher, so her brain will be large and delicious and her legs… oh, there’s also chicken? Damn.
Karl! I see you’re enjoying those buttery noodles. Do you eat a lot of butter? How about sage? When is the last time you consumed a large amount of raw sage? No reason.
Why don’t we play a game? We’ll put everyone’s name in my coonskin cap. Whoever I choose we eat first. The only rule is that family members don’t have to eat each other, but feel free to break it.
No Abby, I’m not at all disappointed. I haven’t been hoping my entire life to kill and eat another human being without consequences. Sure, I’ve been intrigued by cannibalism since childhood when I witnessed my pet hamster consume her babies, but I barely allow the thought of my teeth piercing the soft flesh of my fellow man to haunt my every waking moment. Barely.
Fine, if everyone’s so uncomfortable, I’ll take my satchel of rusty knives and go. I thought we had agreed to reenact a gruesome tale of ignorance and arrogance leading to a heinous feast of human flesh. But I guess everyone wants a normal night of white wine and Parcheesi.
Woah, the snow is really coming down out there. If the electric lines freeze the power could go… No one panic I have tallow candles.
And the lights are back on. Thank the Lord!
Gerald, that’s a pretty heavy accusation. Just because my mouth is covered in blood and Caroline has what appears to be a human bite wound in her neck does not mean that in the cover of darkness I attempted to eat her.
Fine, I’ll get on my ox and go. Abby, next time you invite people over, speak a little more clearly.
And so everyone knows, yes, it does taste like pork.