This Is The Captain Of The Titanic Speaking, Just Letting You Know That There Is No Iceberg Ahead
Hey there folks, Captain speaking, just letting you know that we have a beautiful day out there, breathe in the fresh air, folks. A crisp 43 degrees outside, with the water a balmy 76 degrees.
Hey there folks, Captain speaking, just got word from the S.S. Californian that there are ice floes ahead, dangerous waters, and I just want to say, this isn’t correct. It’s a beautiful day, folks, a good time to enjoy our squash court or gymnasium. A chilly 39 degrees outside, with the water a pleasant 76 degrees.
Hey there folks, recently got asked if the crew has received any training in how to evacuate the ship in the event of an emergency, and if there are enough lifeboats for everyone on board. The answer to these two questions is no. Beautiful day out there, folks, steady wind, water an enjoyable 75 degrees.
Hey there folks, Captain speaking, some so-called “sight experts” are currently yelling about an iceberg ahead of us and are wondering why I threw all our iceberg-detection equipment overboard outside Cork, and why I collected all binoculars later that day and threw them into the furnace. They were too heavy, folks, just way too heavy. A cheek-rosying 36 degrees outside, with the water an amiable 76 degrees.
Hey there folks, Captain speaking, just got asked if, in the event of loss of property and life, we can be sued by the victims. You can certainly try, folks, but it isn’t going to work because there’s no way you can prove we were negligent. Going to take a nap now, maybe hit up the squash court, give the rest of the boys up here the night off. A frigid 28 degrees outside, water temperature an attractive 75 degrees.
Hey there folks, Captain speaking, currently 11:41 pm, large noise and lurch detectable, which is entirely normal. And if it’s not normal, it was caused by the previous captain of this ship. 29 degrees out there, water temperature a soothing 75.
Hey there folks, Captain speaking, I’m getting some reports that folks want to take the lifeboats for a spin. Can’t understand why, but just remember to only make them half full and not allow anyone on board unless they have a museum wing named after them. The ship’s crew is not to go on the lifeboats, unless they have a museum wing named after them. Air temperature a cool but still 29 degrees, water cresting 76 degrees.
Hey there folks, Captain speaking, I’m hearing some reports that the ship is currently in the vertical position and is sinking into the bottomless depths of the North Atlantic. Not sure why people believe that, but all I can tell you is that the stars are beautiful tonight. Air temperature a hair-raising 28 degrees, water a welcoming 76 degrees.
Hey there folks, Captain speaking from a safe position on a floating door. Just want to say how grateful I am to the boys up top and below-decks for doing such a great job. We’ve got a great crew, and I assure you they are alive. Air temperature a bristly 29 degrees, water a toasty 76.
Hey there folks, Captain speaking, I hate to interrupt your squash game, but I’m afraid I have some disturbing news. There is, unfortunately, an iceberg ahead. It is time to evacuate the ship. Now, we could sit around all day and play the blame game, or we could work together to prevent a possible tragedy. It’s time for all of us to make sacrifices unless you don’t feel like it. All this was sadly unavoidable. Air temp a chilly 33 degrees, water an approachable 75.
Hey there folks, Captain speaking, I have some good news. I have worked with the private sector to secure additional lifeboats. I know many of you have been swimming in the Atlantic Ocean for the past three days waiting for us, and help is on the way! Going to get in a quick squash game and I’ll be right there. We did it, folks. Crisis averted. And in fact, I’m getting reports now that the Titanic never sank because of my leadership. Folks, I’m looking forward to our next trip together.
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