This Statement Necklace Would Like To Have A Word With You
Don’t Call Me Faux
Hello. I’d like to get a few things off my chest. I’ve been collecting dust in the back of the closet for about a year. Now that I’m finally resting against a warm human clavicle, I feel compelled to share a word with everyone staring at me. First up, I’d like all the people at this cocktail party to know that I’m not just another piece of dried-up resin with random streaks of non-precious metals. And even though I was purchased for half price at the Baltimore Aquarium gift shop, I’ve got a lot to offer. Yes, a simple gold chain might be a bit more elegant. And, of course, freshwater pearls maintain their value, but a statement piece like me with my asymmetrical sass and obvious craftiness is always a surefire conversation starter. People approach my owner and say things like “Does that bother your shoulders?” or “I’ve never seen anything quite like that before.” Or “What does it do?”
Sure, I’d prefer that some kind soul throw me a simple compliment like, “How pretty,” but that kind of appreciation for unique pieces like me has gone the way of Pet Rocks.
I want you all to know that I’m proud of the fact that I’m held together with hemp and Gorilla Glue. I like to boast that I’m a knock-off of something concocted during a 6pm jewelry workshop at an artsy adult summer camp right after cocktail hour and before drum circle. I may be considered “costume” but I’m hands down more fun than that ridiculous CZ bracelet dangling over the brie.
My fellow Statement Necklaces and I are also best buddies with very experienced kindergarten teachers and one out of four people who have a Tuesday evening theater subscription. In other words, we go places!
My motto has always been, any attention — -good, bad, mocking, puzzlement, annoyance — is worth the drama.
It’s about being noticed for all the wrong reasons.
Well, the party is winding down.
Before I go, I’d like to apologize for the fact that I might be the culprit behind the strange green rash around my owner’s neck. Mea culpa.
I’m now going back into the drawer where I will settle in with the raffia bracelets, turquoise belt buckles and Halloween-themed earrings. Next stop, Salvation Army! There’s always another person who swears a terracotta sun face with faux ruby eyes is just what they need.
