Thoughts on Bitcoin from Someone who Knows Nothing About Bitcoin

I Promise I Know What I’m Talking About…

At this point, it has become clear to me that we can no longer not talk about Bitcoin. After reading countless articles either declaring the death of Bitcoin to the non-death of Bitcoin to the ALL CAPS NON-DEATH OF BITCOIN, it’s become obvious that the experts are still far from reaching a consensus on the status of this great internet experiment.

Which is why I need to chime in. We’ve heard from experts, economists, and other nerd-types, but what we really need is for somebody to look at the Bitcoin situation from a fresh perspective. Namely, the perspective of “has no idea what the fuck Bitcoin is but people seem to be talking about it and I want page-clicks.”

Well, consider me happy to fulfill my civic duty.

So, allow me here to list the major problems Bitcoin has at the moment, and assess whether it’s too late to save what I’m assuming is something pretty important/substantial.

First, let’s go through the basic facts:

  1. Bitcoin is a cryptocurrency, meaning that it can only be used to purchase episodes of HBO’s long-cancelled horror anthology, Tales from the Crypt.
  2. Bitcoin was invented by Satoshi Nakamoto, who is either a reclusive Japanese tech nerd, a secret hacker group, or a rejected Naruto character.
  3. Transactions are recorded via blockchains (which I don’t understand but it sounds like it’s similar to Tetris).
  4. Bitcoin is the currency of choice for black market criminals and stoners who still haven’t taken down their Ron Paul 2012 stickers.
  5. People from China are gaining more power over Bitcoin and we’re Americans here so fuck that!

Now that you know what Bitcoin is, let’s look at some charts to illustrate the problem…

If you can’t afford SAS, Microsoft Paint will always get the job done.

As you can clearly see, the amount of bad stuff has increased rapidly in recent years. This is bad because bad stuff is bad, hence it being called “bad stuff.”

Now that we see the data, we have to start asking some important questions:

Should Bitcoin be abandoned? Maybe. Depends where we abandon it. I don’t think it’s ethical to just let Bitcoin off loose into the dangerous wilderness, but maybe if we found a nice park or left it on some old couple’s door step…

Can Bitcoin go mainstream? This is what keeps experts (and people who don’t care) up at night (ok, maybe not the latter group). On the one hand, Bitcoin is filled with melodrama, so it could prove to be the next Coldplay. On the other hand, people actually understand what Coldplay is (a good band is not the answer there).

Can Bitcoin remain open? It will be hard, but with some assistance it should be easy.

Will people (non-nerds) ever understand what Bitcoin is? No.

Will people (non-nerds)ever care what Bitcoin is? No.

So what can we conclude?

Bitcoin. It’s weird. Nobody uses it. Slightly more than nobody cares about it. Slightly more than that read articles about it because they’re bored and “Maybe I should learn about this, it could be the future.”

And that’s enough people to warrant me writing this.


Ignatius N exists to write various things that you may enjoy reading. If you found this worth reading, please hit “recommend” or click the little “share” icon (whatever it looks like now) and send this piece to all of your friends that won’t send me hate mail in return.

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