Three Hallmark Thanksgiving Movie Ideas That Should Be Made To Celebrate The Forgotten Holiday Before Christmas
Halloween is over and that means Hallmark Christmas movies, Mariah Carey, and now vacant Spirit Halloween retail spaces are officially open for business.
Halloween is over and that means Hallmark Christmas movies, Mariah Carey, and now vacant Spirit Halloween retail spaces are officially open for business. With Christmas seemingly being celebrated earlier and earlier every year, we sometimes fail to embrace and celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday altogether. The Hallmark Channel creates and premieres Christmas movies faster than Clark Griswold’s non-chloric, silicon-based kitchen lubricant coated sled in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.” I decided it was time to stuff the void and pitch some Thanksgiving movies that should be made this year to air on the Hallmark Channel the week of Thanksgiving next year.
The Business of Thanksgiving Eve: Dive Bar Love
Lacey Chabert (of “Mean Girls” fame) stars as Lucy; a 20–30–40 something single woman visiting her small hometown in South Dakota after moving to New York to pursue her dream of becoming a business person. Lucy is glued to her phone focused only on conducting more business when she begrudgingly arrives at her parent’s house that has internet speeds less than ideal for conducting business.
While she’s at the local grocery store purchasing manila business folders to organize more business, she runs into her old high school friend Jason that she hasn’t seen in years. Lucy tells Jason, “I’m here for a few days to visit my parents, but business doesn’t stop.” They catch up reminiscing on some times from high school back when they were incredibly silly and Lucy was certainly not all businessy.
Jason invites Lucy to the annual Thanksgiving Eve pub crawl in town where everyone gathers at the local bar to get black out drunk with their old high school classmates and high school teachers. Against her business instincts to focus on more business, she agrees to meet him out for one drink.
At the dingy dive bar, Jason introduces Lucy to the local wise bartender who is played by a combination CGI/AI version of Wilford Brimley based only on footage of his diabeetus commercials. While Jason is away singing karaoke, CGI/AI Brimley explains to Lucy that business isn’t the most important thing in life, but in fact people (as he gestures to the drunks around the bar) are what’s truly important.
Lucy ends up getting drunk with Jason and leaves her up-tight boss a voicemail explaining that she’s quitting and she’s officially done with business. Jason proposes to Lucy at the bar that night and CGI/AI Wilford Brimley officiates the impromptu ceremony. The next day while fighting off her hangover, Lucy looks around the family dinner table with her new plus one fiancé, and realizes that family truly is more important than business.
Drunk Uncle Charlie’s Turkey Touchdown
Uncle Charlie (is played by Dean Cain of “Megan’s Christmas Miracle” and “Broadcasting Christmas” fame) and his niece Katherine (who is played by Lacey Chabert of “The Christmas Waltz” fame) have always bonded over having a few cold ones and watching football. Their favorite team is the (Dallas Cowboys™ but for NFL trademark and legal reasons) Texas Ranchers. This year Katherine surprises her favorite uncle with tickets to the Thanksgiving Day football game.
While at the game, Uncle Charlie meets a rival (Philadelphia Eagles™) Pennsylvania Predator Birds fan named Denise (played by Melissa Joan Hart of “Broadcasting Christmas” fame) who sits next to him in the stands. After an early disagreement about which team stadium’s concession food is superior, they realize their similarities far outweigh their differences. For example, they both have a niece.
It was always a dream of Uncle Charlie’s to get a turkey leg from the famous (John Madden™) Sean Gladden turkey presented to the MVPs of the Thanksgiving game. Denise knows a grounds crew member at the stadium and calls in a favor to sneak Uncle Charlie a leg of the turkey out to him after the game. Uncle Charlie and Denise both take a bite on opposite sides of the turkey leg together after the game and end up kissing over the turkey meat “Lady and the Tramp” spaghetti style. Katherine rolls her eyes in loving embarrassment, and knows that Uncle Charlie has finally found his teammate.
The First Thanksgiving: A Reenactment
A problematically tan Lacey Chabert (of “Christmas at Castle Heart” and “Haul out the Holly” fame) stars as Katie: a struggling actress who’s visiting her family in her small hometown when she gets asked to play the role of Pocahontas in the town’s annual Thanksgiving play. One of the now adult kids from “Home Improvement” stars as Katie’s old high school flame Taylor. The two drifted apart when Katie moved to LA to pursue her acting career while Taylor stayed in town to take care of his sick mother who’s been the same amount of sick for the past fifteen years. You can tell she’s sick because her legs are always covered by a blanket.
Taylor is asked to step in for the John Smith role in the play after the original lead severely cuts his hand while decapitating turkeys at the local turkey farm just a day before the show. Taylor is the only person that knows the part as he’s been helping Katie with her lines after closing hours at his locally owned hardware store where he helps teach local blind children how to work with power tools.
His friend (the town’s only Black man) gives him the words of courage that he needs to hear right before going on stage telling him, “You don’t have to pretend you’re in love, because you’re already in love with her. Just go out there and be in love.”
Just before the credits and after the two look at each other and kiss during the standing ovation of the play the screen fades to black and shows the text, “One Month Later.” The screen then fades in to show the now married couple decorating their Christmas tree in their new home. Taylor opens a gift from Katie and it’s an ultrasound picture of their unborn child.
