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Times I’ve Unironically Ended A Question With “I’m Genuinely Curious”

Photo by Mikhail Nilov:

When I made dinner for my family, they said my soup could use a little salt:
“Oh, did you create this recipe? Because I just found it online, but if you made it, it’d make sense for you to tell me it needs salt. I’m not arguing. I’m genuinely curious.”

When my wife said I needed to stop bouncing a basketball around the house the night before our son’s big game:
“Do you have a better way to motivate our child? It looks like you were just going to let him fall asleep without inspiring him, but maybe I’m wrong? I’m genuinely curious.”

When the opposing coach said my son’s basketball team can’t have a beautiful, athletic golden retriever as its point guard:
“Is that in the rulebook? If it’s in the rulebook, I would love to see it. I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m genuinely curious.

When the parents of the players admonished me for fighting the opposing coach in front of their children:
“So I can’t hit another parent for failing to produce the rulebook indicating whether or not a beautiful, athletic golden retriever can play point guard? How is what I’m doing not inspirational to these children? I’m genuinely curious.”

When my lawyer said I shouldn’t wear a basketball jersey to court, despite the fact that it looked cool:
“Where in the courtroom does it say I can’t wear a cool jersey? It’s not affiliated with any professional team, so it’s not like the jury should be mad and try me differently. Is there a law preventing me from wearing this jersey? I’m genuinely curious.”

When the judge said I couldn’t object to my attorney’s line of questioning when I was on the witness stand:
“Is this your attorney? Are you the one facing months in prison for biting several parents while he makes a fool of himself? Honestly, am I in the wrong seat? I’m genuinely curious.”

When the cops lead me out of the courtroom and put the cuffs on too tight:
“Are you trying to reduce circulation to my hands? It really hurts, so I want to know are you trying to cut my hands off? Yes, that’s a serious question. I’m genuinely curious.”

When another inmate criticized my prison wine:
“That’s interesting. I’ve never seen you make wine out of your toilet. You must be a toilet wine sommelier. What am I missing? I’m genuinely curious.”

When that inmate didn’t take to my line of questioning kindly:
“Ah, I see you’re holding a knife here? Is that the preferred mode of debate here? No one told me. I’m genuinely curi — ouch!”

When the other inmates rejected my detailed prison break plan:
“Have any of you even thought how distracting it would be if we all broke into a Broadway song and dance? The guards would be so delighted, they wouldn’t even realize we were carrying huge pans and then BOOM! We knock ’em out and we waltz right out of here. Well, you don’t like it so you must have something better. What is it? I’m genuinely curious.”

When the prison guard said I had no friends and family showing up on visiting day:
“Oh, so you assume that the golden retriever in the lobby isn’t a friend or family member of mine? Have you not heard the phrase ‘man’s best friend?’ I’m genuinely curious.”

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