Tips For Being A Modern Cowboy
A practical guide for enjoying the cowboy lifestyle in the modern world.
1. Buy a cowboy hat and boots.
You are now on your way to becoming a cowboy! When you strut into the office come Monday you are sure to turn a few heads.
2. Purchase a 2019 Ford F-150 King Ranch Edition 4 Wheel Drive Diesel.
Working as a junior accountant at a large media conglomerate is hard work and you’re gonna want the right tools to help you get through your day. The Ford F-150 King Ranch Edition has more than enough power to get you from the Cornwall Apartment Complex all the way to your office building downtown. Can you say, “Yeehaw?”
3. Learn cowboy phrases.
“Howdy partner,” “Whoa there,” and “Yah!” are all great phrases to add to your vocabulary. The next time you’re standing at the office water cooler after entering sales figures on an Excel spreadsheet, why not greet your coworkers with a “Saddle up boys, it’s time to ride!”
4. Take up drinking at a local bar.
Think of this as your very own saloon to unwind at after a day full of PowerPoint presentations. Every cowboy needs him a good dive where he can let off some steam and be a cowboy. Additionally, a nice artisan bar can also double as a great place to take pictures for your Instagram which you should regularly update to let people know that you are now a cowboy. Just be careful not to get mixed up with the wrong fellas.
5. Get a little mixed up with the wrong fellas.
There comes a time in every cowboy’s life when you have to get a little mixed up with the wrong fellas. Suggested ways to get mixed up include: bootlegging whiskey, doing the dirty work for clean energy barons, or a good old fashioned stabbing.
6. Find a place to lay low for a bit.
All right, so a gang of desperados looped you into blowing up a train so you could ransack the cabins in order to pay Sheriff Lonny to look the other way so that they could steal the town cow and things went south. It happens to the best of us. Those fellas seemed so nice when they said they liked the chaw of your jib, how were you supposed to know they were all so short-tempered? You may have lost them the perfect opportunity to pull off a cow heist, but it was a bit unfair of them to call you yellow-bellied. And it was really unfair of them to tell you you have five days to find the money or else. When things start going south like this, it’s best to pack up and skedaddle somewhere else for a spell. This will be a good opportunity to look deep into the harsh desert landscape with your sun-beaten eyes and think about how lonesome and tough it is to be a cowboy. It’s all part of the fun!
7. Rob a bank to pay off the fellas you wronged.
We’ve all been there before. The key is to find a small bank where the law won’t be an issue. Try City Union in Kreuz, Applegate Bank in Applegate, or Dewey Regional Credit down in The Valley. These are all easy jobs that any beginner cowboy can pull off. Rob as much as you can fit into your britches and hightail it out of there!
8. Screw those fellas!
You did all the dirty work to get this money and why should they get any of it. Go out to the desert and bury the pot by the lone cactus near the southern dune. Those bastards will never find it there.
9. Shower before returning to the office on Tuesday.
One of the perks of being a modern cowboy is modern hygiene. Wash off the blood and dirt you accumulated in the desert and return to the office fresh. You never know when you’ll be up for a promotion.
10. Always remember: you are not an actual cowboy.
This is all an act and you are playing a character. You’re no different than a polyester costume you’d find at any party supply store. Why not retire those spurs and put on a comfortable pair of New Balance’s and accept your suburban life. Accounting isn’t as dull as you think.
