Tips For How To Enjoy Your Upcoming Mandatory “StayCation” (Brought To You By Corona Beer)
It’s getting pretty crazy out there with all this hype about COVID-19 (FYI, this is the official name, so you should really stop using the term coronavirus… please) but we here at Corona’s headquarters are laid back as ever and encourage everyone to just relaxxxx, man! When people hear the word Corona, there should be no cause for alarm; you should only associate “Corona” with chillaxing in a canvas-backed chair next to a hottie whose face you’ll never see.
Many businesses have discussed the possibility of employees being asked to work from home in case this virus — COVID-19 — engulfs our entire population and destroys life as we know it. However, there’s no need to panic, my dudes! We here at Corona encourage our consumers to “find their beach,” wherever that may be. And turns out, your living quarters might be the place you’ll find yourself in for the next few weeks. These impending mandatory detentions shouldn’t be viewed as quarantines; they’re essentially StayCations! Here are some tips on how to make the most of them.
#1: Stock up on supplies
You might struggle to find essential items such as toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and soap, but you will be able to treat yourself to some Corona beer! Our sales have been, well… stagnant the past few weeks, so chances are that nearly every store in your vicinity has cases of our delicious lager marketed at discount prices. Make sure to pick up our Corona Extra Extra: at 90%, it’s the most alcoholic beer ever made! Don’t drink this one though; it’s just for disinfectant purposes.
#2: Turn your living room into a beachside resort
There are multiple ways to replicate an authentic beach experience in the comfort of your own home. Shove your boring, regular furniture out of the way and drag in all of your lawn furniture. Tack your bedsheets to the wall to create a hammock. Dump 20 tons of sand onto your living room floor. Make sure to put cocktail umbrellas on every meal you ingest: rice, beans, ramen, or any other dry goods the grocery store had left. Pair with Corona beer, and it’s just like island living!
#3: Avoid onset cabin fever
It’s going to make you feel a bit crazy either being by yourself or being surrounded by your family members 24/7. When you inevitably feel yourself getting a tad stressed due to the lack of interaction with others, grab one of the many limes you’ve purchased to accompany your Corona Beer and squeeze it until you can’t feel your hand anymore. If that isn’t enough, hurl empty beer bottles against the wall to replicate the sound of crashing waves. Kids driving you crazy? Have them toss back a bottle of Ultra Corona Lite: it’s mostly lime juice but contains 1% alcohol, which should numb their senses and put them right to sleep. Remind them to relax responsibly.
The next few weeks will likely result in wide-spread panic over COVID-19, but we’ve got you covered. Guzzle down a few cervezas and then you won’t even remember that you used to leave your home and live a normal life. But it’s like we’ve started to say constantly around the office these days: When life gives you limes, for god’s sake, please buy a Corona.