Tips To Cut Your Spending That You’ve Already Been Doing For A Decade

David Guzman
Jan 13 · 3 min read
Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Make Coffee At Home — Don’t spend $4 day at a fru-fru coffee shop; that adds up! Brew your own, just like you’ve been doing for your entire adult life. It’s a much cheaper option than buying the latest seasonal latte at Starbucks, which you have never done. As an added bonus, you’ll produce less waste, which is good for the planet that you are poor on.

Get Rid Of Your Cable TV — You can save up to $20 a month if you cut the cable cord. But you know that, because you haven’t had a TV since the mid-2000s. Suggesting this to you as though it’s new or novel is just insulting, but here it is, being suggested to you in any case. Try instead streaming websites or your memories of ’90s sitcoms for your entertainment.

Use Public Parks Instead Of The Gym — Gym memberships can be expensive, and you can get just as good or better of a workout by going for a run in the park. You don’t need to be told this, though: you’ve been using the park for so long that you’ve seen species die out, and others move on to what you assume are better parks, because even most woodland creatures are more upwardly mobile than you. What you’ll spend on a pair of sneakers, you’ll save on monthly gym costs that were never an option for you to begin with!

Live With Roommates — Roommates? You’ve lived with blood relatives on and off for the past ten years. You are beyond this tip.

Pack Your Lunch — Lunch costs can creep up on you: even a fast casual lunch will cost at least $12 in today’s currency (it was $6 when you first did this tip). But hey, for the sake of offering this tip, just allow yourself for a moment to consider it: put yourself in the mindset of someone who buys lunch everyday. Now decide that you’re going to save money by packing a lunch instead. There: now you get what we’re going for with this one, and that’s enough for us.

Use Public Transportation — For this to make sense, we’d have to be insane and assume you have a car! We’re not just doing that, but we’re assuming you have a nice car that you’ll make $20,000 selling that you can use as a nest egg. You can’t do that of course, least of which because you’ve never employed the part of your brain that understands how money can be held onto for future purposes. Anyways, get some work done on that bus!

Switch To A Cheaper Cell Phone Plan — by cheaper cell phone plan we didn’t mean switching to a cell phone case filled with dirt that you spend hours a day looking at to fit in with society. But if that’s what’s saving you the most money, then keep texting that sod!

Eliminate Unproductive Free Time — You think you haven’t done this one yet, but you have! Today you’ll be visited by a team of experimental physicists to participate in a study where they fill every past moment of leisure in the last dozen years of your life with side-gigs making poverty wages. Somehow this will not translate to any present day financial gains for you, but this space-time altering tip will help you to stay just above water.

And that’s it! There are no other ways to save money that you haven’t already adopted. Check back here any time to be told Great Recession Era financial tips like they’re new to you.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

David Guzman

Written by

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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