To Clarify, Our Company Is Not Participating In “No Nut November”
We apologize for the inconvenience.
Dear Colleagues,
It has come to our attention that an email has circulated inviting all staff to partake in “No Nut November” — a contest where participants are challenged not to masturbate for the entirety of the month. To clarify, our company is not participating in what this email describes as “an epic battle of mind-over-splatter.”
Further, we are aware of the complaints raised by staff regarding this incident, none of which seem to concern the inappropriate nature of the task but rather its level of difficulty. Rest assured, it was never our intention to have staff endure “the ultimate test of human willpower.” We apologize for any confusion this may have caused.
As a reminder, our organization fully supports initiatives that build camaraderie and encourage healthy competition. For so many reasons, a don’t-jerk-off challenge falls outside that scope. For future reference, a list of guidelines for wellness programs can be found in the employee handbook, wherein you will also discover “No Nut November” violates approximately 200 company policies.
This feels like an opportune time to remind staff not to open emails from unknown contacts (i.e., Spank_Police37@fapmail.nut) or those containing suspicious language, such as tips and tricks on how to abstain from “cranking off.” Phishers have become extremely sophisticated over the years, and while the email you received is in no way representative of this, it is important to be vigilant when reviewing your inbox. In general, a good rule of thumb is that our CEO will never address staff as “fellow soldiers,” refer to himself as “Sargent Blue Balls,” or graphically describe a “tour” he once completed.
We would also ask that any staff currently participating in “No Nut November” please refrain from sharing status updates with Human Resources. I understand this may be confusing given the initial email encouraged employees to track their progress using something called a “Throb-O-Meter.” While your efforts are admirable from a certain light — in that you appear to believe you’re somehow contributing to company morale — we are not interested in your daily ruminations on life without self-stimulation.
With that said, we would be remiss to ignore the number of staff members who have reportedly achieved transcendence, enlightenment, or any other higher form of consciousness since the beginning of November. Overall, we are very pleased to see a sharp uptick in performance numbers, and while we do not condone the masturbation contest, we want to congratulate any employees who have used this non-traditional challenge as a means to self-improvement. Truly, you have the heart of a champion, and the willpower of a Tibetan monk.
For all other employees — we sincerely apologize for this inconvenience. Our goal is to create a safe and comfortable work environment for our staff, and given the practical constraints of this challenge, we have completely failed in that regard. As a token of our apology, we are granting all employees early dismissal to recuperate. Please enjoy your afternoon off — you’ve earned it.
Sincerely,
Your Human Resources Team
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