To My Father, Waldo, Wherever You’re Hiding
by Mike Carrier and Nick DiMaso
All across the world, this simple question brings joy to millions: “Where’s Waldo?” The question everyone should be asking is, “Why, Waldo? Why did you abandon your family?!”
Everyone thinks you’re some jolly guy with thick-framed glasses and a walking stick who can’t get enough hide-and-seek. But I know that your book series is really a celebration of runaway fathers like you. So screw you, Dad! Your red and white beanie must be cutting off circulation to the part of the brain that makes someone not a selfish prick.
For years, I tried to convince myself that you weren’t hiding on purpose. I wanted to believe that you were kidnapped and forced to pose in some criminal’s twisted photography series. That was the only way I could justify your disappearance. Because a good person would have called. A good person would have left a note. A bad person hides in a cake factory with 2,000 other people dressed exactly like him.
Here’s a cute suggestion for your next book title: How Dare You, Waldo? How dare you miss my cello recitals but then time travel to ancient Rome to putz around in the middle of a gladiator battle! How dare you skip my high school graduation to gallivant around a scorching hot beach in your sweater and jeans with some guy whose name is your name…
