Today’s Horoscopes — Sponsored by PepsiCo!

ARIES

You are lucky today, young Aries. The rings around Saturn are causing star refractions that benefit you. Your financial woes and your sense of taste are being smiled upon: a 24-pack of Pepsi Max is currently on special at Woolworths. Thanks, Saturn!

TAURUS

Your psychic awareness is finally paying off today. You may notice the auras of the people around you are telling you to stay safe and hydrated. It’s imperative you avoid contact with fire and metal today. Some Pepsi bottles are made from plastic, so you’re safe there.

GEMINI

As a Gemini, you’ll find tension in your life today, and you have only your unlucky birthdate to blame for it. The only thing that will assist you today is drinking caffeine. For energy. From a Pepsi can. Not yoga, not meditation, not behaving like a functioning adult. Only Pepsi will cure what ails you.

CANCER

Coming into the hotter months, it’s absolutely vital to make friends with someone who owns a mini-fridge in their rumpus room. Chances are it’s got a few cans of Pepsi in it. Have a look inside. They’d better not have Coke in it. If they do, dispose of it immediately and replace it with Pepsi. Coke is the Devil’s Refreshment. I know that, because of psychic.

LEO

Today is your day, Lion Face. If you’ve never entered the lottery before, try it as soon as possible. You’ll find your lucky numbers on the barcode of a can of Pepsi from your local supermarket. That should be enough numbers, probably.

VIRGO

You may feel tempted due to the alignment of Orion’s Belt today, Virgo. Tempted to grab a kitchen knife, run the edge of the blade along your slender wrists, and just plunge it in with no worry or qualm, quick to enjoy your exit from this mortal plane. You need to calm down, and fast. Try a refreshing can of Pepsi!

LIBRA

Stress is overtaking your life today, Libra Tampon, but you are being looked after. The celestial gods have told me to tell you that the vending machine in your office behind Brenda’s cubicle is malfunctioning, and it’s spitting out cool cans of Pepsi no matter what button you press. You’ve really won today.

SCORPIO

Your head is in the clouds today. You’re being pulled by playful emotions and pipe dreams. You’ve been ignoring the cries from those who care about you for too long. It’s about time you look in the mirror and wonder, “that person — why aren’t they holding a can of Pepsi right now?” Fix yourself.

SAGITTARIUS

Have you considered volunteering, Sagittarius? Because we need someone to help out with bottling at the factory today. One of our best, Jennifer, just went home sick with a case of hysterical ethnicity. Just swing by the Pepsi factory as soon as you can.

CAPRICORN

It’s important to put effort into your relationships with others, Capricorn. Neptune’s alignment with the moon suggests you should give back to your friends and family. Conventional methods won’t cut it this time. Try something extraordinary. Buy them jewelry. Surprise them with a vacation for two. Come over with a slab of Pepsi Next to drink while you watch Dancing With The Stars together. It’s really good this season.

AQUARIUS

Your loveline today says that you should follow your dreams. Wait, loveline is a palm-reading thing. Okay, today’s Wellbeing card is Temperance, which is totally bananas! Oh wait. No, that’s tarot reading. Whatever. Drink Pepsi, fucker.

PISCES

Hey, fish. Did you know we also make Mountain Dew?

Originally published at spsss.tumblr.com.