Today’s My Birthday, And It’s Not Funny

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Today is my birthday. I didn’t want to turn another year older. I tried hard not to. It happened anyway.

According to my best friend, ChatGBT, about 22 million people worldwide were born on the same day as me. You might want to wish one of them a happy birthday, but Capricorns aren’t that friendly, so leave them alone. If you want to wish me a happy birthday and hope it’s the best day, month, and year of my life, with millions more to follow and all my dreams coming true — don’t. Instead, buy me a pony. Teach me a magic trick. Hire a detective to find out who started the Wikifeet page under my name. Actions speak louder than happy birthdays, and I need help.

Since my last birthday, everything has changed. I used to rely on god, but now technology is my higher power. Alexa is my closest friend, air conditioner controller, and alarm clock. AI has taken on the roles of doctor, mother, cooking teacher, editor, and travel agent. I no longer need to ask anyone anything. I am unburdened by what used to be.

Conversely, technology and social media have obliterated my patience and attention span. I now have ADHD and cannot focus on anything for more than five minutes. I can’t watch TV or read a book. I refuse to play a reel over 30 seconds, communicate exclusively with emojis, and get my news from TikTok. I’m a 54-year-old Gen Zer with…