The Top 8 Greetings To Use When You See Your Friends For The First Time After Lockdown
With the end of quarantine potentially on the distant horizon maybe, it’s time to think about what you’ll say to your friends when you reunite with them in the physical realm. The reminder that the discorporate talking heads from Zoom are attached to real, possibly unattractive bodies can be overwhelming and tongue-tying. To help you re-break the ice, I’ve put together a cheat sheet of greetings to get you past those awkward first few seconds.
1. “I know, right?”
There’s a good chance that your friends will do one of those slow, bemused head shakes, as if to say — “that whole COVID thing was a trip!” This is the perfect rejoinder, and will remind them that you both agree on a lot of things.
2. “Fatty alert! Hide the pies! Haha, somebody gained weight!”
Nothing wrong with a little light-hearted ribbing to warm things up!
3. “Magnuuuus, my man!”
This works best if your friend is named “Magnus” and identifies as a man, but feel free to try it out with others.
4. “Hey — six feet apart, buddy. Naaah, I’m just kidding. Bring it in.”
The old switcheroo! This one’s great, because they’ll be sad for a second and will be way more excited when you reveal that you were only fooling. Awesome.
5. “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there! Are you insured?” [AD]
Great insurance providers are like great friends — there when you need them, and not carrying a fatal virus. Reliable. Personable. Fast. State Farm.
6. “Somebody needs a haircut! Hey, seriously though. I missed you.”
A bit of genuine compassion goes a long way. It goes an even longer way if you set it up with a joke so they’re not prepared for it — it’ll force them to rapidly switch emotional gears, and they’ll be the weird one when their response is off-balance. Give yourself a pat on the back — you won the first interaction.
7. “Dude. [Insert different friend’s name]. I can’t believe it.”
An air of mystery is always fun! By somberly referring to a mutual friend, you’ll turn the situation into a fun guessing game for your pal. “What could he mean?” “Is [friend’s name] okay?” “Did they die?” Ice = broken.
8. Arrive in a tuxedo with a bouquet of flowers. Say nothing at first. Allow tears to well in your eyes, then smile and whisper: “You came.”
Pretty self-explanatory.
Trust me. If these don’t get you and your friends slapping each other’s backs and chortling like a group of hand sanitizer moguls, then you’ve made a colossal error in either a) the delivery, or b) your choice of friends. Take some time to practice in front of a mirror, and you’ll be a dab hand when 2030 rolls around.
