Totally Non-Condescending Tips From A Medium Writer Who’s Better Than You
I’m a Medium writer, but not like you. People literally stop me on the street to ask me how I became a success story. Unlike you, my claps don’t come from my mom, and it astounds me how much you don’t get it. Being successful on Medium is without a doubt the easiest thing I’ve ever done. So take my advice and follow these steps if you want people to publish your “work.”
1.) Actually Write About Something
You know what I write about? Success. Determination. The art of YOLO. I’m not sitting around and typing away about nothing. I do something literally every day, then I write about it. I’m a go-getter, and you know what go-getters get? Stuff. You can’t hang out and write about nothing, you have to write about stuff. Newsflash: You’re not Seinfeld.
2.) Stop Writing Like An Idiot
I want to believe you have an IQ higher than my stool, but I can’t. Congratulations, you can write a complete sentence, but does it say something? You have to “move” people, and if you don’t know what that means, get out of my face. This isn’t second grade, and no one’s going to clap just because you know how to use a semicolon (also; you don’t.)
3.) At Least Pretend It’s Not All About You
I’m not joking, I came across an actual story about a woman’s son getting bullied in school. My first thought? I don’t even have a kid, let alone a loser! Pull back on the narcissism and make your content relatable (and remember, don’t be an idiot — when you’re dumb, I can’t relate to you.)
4.) Stand Out For Once
If I mixed your garbage writing with phrases in a fortune cookie, no one would know the difference. Successful writers stand out with style. Think Hemingway, Morrison, that guy who wrote Beowulf. If you read me a sentence, I could tell you if it was Faulkner or Steinbeck with my head held underwater. Can I say the same about your writing? (That’s called a rhetorical question, just so you know.)
5.) Be Vulnerable, Not A Pathetic Coward
Even good writers like me have to take off the armor. I once wrote about the struggles I used to have with my follower count. Rough stuff, I know. It took guts, but that’s the cost of writing. You want recognition without the risk? You make me sick. Seriously, I’m vomiting my matcha latte all over my laptop.
6.) Just Stop Being Terrible
Trust me, I don’t want to be that guy, but someone has to say it: You’re awful. Your work? Snoozefest. You put C-SPAN to sleep. Because of you, I don’t want claps on Medium, I want crickets. The good news? It’s all your fault, so you know where to go! Get up, look at yourself in the mirror, and just stop it. Just. Stop. Sucking.
So there you go, the secret sauce. Follow those rules (after you follow me) and maybe you’ll put out something that restores my faith in humanity.
Oh, and you’re welcome by the way.
