Transcript From My IUD’s Retirement Speech
MIRENA: Good morning. Thank you for hosting this wonderful party to celebrate my retirement and allowing me to say a few words. I can’t believe how many are here! You guys — you even got Adrenal Gland here!? I’m just… verklempt at all of — oh, thank you for the tissue, Pelvic Floor. Everyone — if you ever need anything, Pelvic Floor’s got you covered, their desk is always stocked.
Gosh, it’s crazy this day came so fast! It feels like yesterday a nervous medical resident implanted me and BAM! I was here. We’ve had some good times — please, Labia Minora, stop sniffling on Labia Majora — can someone pass the tissues? It’s ok, I’m leaving on good terms, which doesn’t always happen in this body, especially after 30. I’m very happy I’m not wearing out my welcome like the Aries tattoo on Natalia’s lower back.
[Audience chuckles]
But we knew this day would come, per my manufacturer’s patient information booklet, it is time to begin my retirement.
[Audience groans]
I know…I probably have another season of sperm-blocking left in me, but you can’t take the risk of undoing your welcome, especially in my industry.
Today is full of emotions. I feel happy, sad, and optimistic all at the same time. This bodily system is one of the best places to be because WE made it better. When I took on the mantle from ParaGard all those years ago, our system was left in disarray. As the new IUD, I was tasked with rebuilding our culture, but I couldn’t do it alone. Together, we transformed a toxic culture, full of fire drills, gossip, and unexpected cramping, into a successful system.
SMALL INTESTINE: Unlike some other systems!
[MIRENA laughs politely]
MIRENA: Hey now, I wasn’t going to say anything!
[Audience laughs]
But uh, I’ll finish up quickly. Grateful is what comes to mind when I think of all my colleagues that made these past years full of joy, even as we faced steep challenges. My colleagues — no. My friends. Looking at all of you in the crowd, I’m reminded of the memories we made.
Clit! Goodness, take it from me, NEVER take a double-dog dare from Clit over here! Totally true story, but when we were at that yurt in the Catskills, Clit dared me to poke my strings and Reese, the poor guy, FREAKED OUT. He thought it was a tooth from a teratoma! I still crack up when I think about it. Oh well, guess you had to be there.
Oh, Right Ovary! Who knew introverts could be so full of mischief? Remember that time all those sperms were trying so hard to find an egg and you were like “It’s south!” AND THEY BELIEVED YOU! THEY ACTUALLY WENT SOUTH INSTEAD OF NORTH!
There’s Uterus, the OG! Someone’s going to need to keep our favorite drama queen in check! Yeah, I’m talking about you, Left Fallopian Tube, we ALL know when an egg is traveling down your corridors.
Gallbladder, I can’t believe you made it! Remember when we took so many shots of ibuprofen that night in Denver? Maybe it was the altitude bringing us closer or bonding over our love of Koko the gorilla, but you became my closest confidante, my war-time consigliere that advised me through several cystic uprisings. I never could have done it without you. Grazi.
And Lazy Left Ovary, I couldn’t forget you! Everyone, if you ever need someone to bring you back down to earth, Lazy Left Ovary’s the gonad for you. In today’s insane hustle culture, you taught me the most valuable lesson of all. Just enjoy being in the moment.
Gosh, there’s so many of you to thank and I can hear the waiting room music, so I’ll be quick. I have one more to thank. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Treat someone as they are and they will remain as they are. Treat someone as they could be and they will become what they should be.” Dr. Grafton at the 14th St. Women’s Clinic, thank you for seeing my potential when I doubted myself and thought a move would solve all my problems. Thank you for readjusting me back where I needed to be when I needed it most.
Oh oh ! Just one more moment — Bladder, what a pal, thanks for the bathroom detour.
My time here is through and the peaceful transfer of power from one freely chosen birth control option to another is the hallmark of reproductive freedom. I ask you to give Kyleena the same chance you gave me. This body is a wonderful gift, but it cannot operate on its own. And we can’t expect men to take over the birth control burden anytime soon, amirite?
[Audience laughs in agreement]
It needs the participation of not just us in this womb bubble, but cooperation and coordination with our partners in digestion, endocrine, and urinary systems. Make those connections. Take the chance because you never know when you’ll need to lean on a friend for a bathroom detour.
It has been an honor. Thank you.
