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Transcripts From The HGTV COVID-19 War Room — Powered By Zoom

Katie Hughes-Pucci
May 9 · 3 min read
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Image Copyright: HGTV. (Fair Use.)

Property Brother: We’ve called this Zoom meeting to talk about the changing climate of interior design in light of the recent pandemic. We need to create a unified front to provide solutions for our HGTV audience.

Other Property Brother: We’re fucked. After this thing is over, nobody is going to want us knocking down walls to make one giant kitchen/living/dining room gangbang. Our livelihoods are at stake, people!

Property Brother: Other Property Brother is right. What are you guys hearing? How can we pivot?

(Chip and Joanna Gaines appear on screen, surrounded by their 15 children, 87 barn animals, and 500lbs of fake lemons in glass bowls)

Joanna: Hey everybody, great to see y’all. We’re struggling ourselves. We can’t see our quartz countertops because they’re covered with every dirty dish, mason jar, and eco-friendly off-brand Tupperware we own. I feel like I’m feeding my babies eight times a day and the dishwasher can’t keep up.

(CHILDREN SHRIEKING)

Chip: We also… DIDN’T REALIZE HOW MUCH NOISE BOUNCES OFF SHIPLAP!

(Ambiguously contentious duo from Love it or List It, Hilary and David, appear on screen)

Hilary: We’ve held an online focus group that indicates people no longer want me moving their laundry onto the main floor because homeowners want an excuse to escape to their basements and cry in peace.

David (slurring his speech): The only thing I’m listing these days is how many Aperol spritzes I’ve had before noon. SEVEN!

(From the show Good Bones, the Daughter Host appears on screen wearing an N95 respirator next to the Mom Host who has grown out her bangs into a makeshift face mask.)

Mom Host: Okay, so hear me out… I’ve hoarded 128 million antique doors over the last five years. I plan to send a door to every household in the US so they can separate their living spaces. All I need is a jackhammer, a piece of Doublemint Gum, and an 18-wheeler.

Dude from Lottery Dream Home: The last five lotto winners have all wanted the same thing — modular cubicles to lock each of their kids into during homeschooling.

Joanna Gaines (now with her children swinging from macramé plant holders in the background): I’ve come up with a charming concept for a beadboard-clad homeschooling space with chalkboard painted walls and…

Other Property Brother: Shut it, Jo! (begins crying) We can’t make this work! We need to call in the big guns. We need… Nicole.

(Nicole Curtis from Rehab Addict appears on screen, wearing a shirt that says “Old Homes, Old People, Old Dogs”)

Nicole: Well looky here… How nice of you all to finally give me the credit I deserve. How are those open-concept floor plans working for you now?

Property Brother: What’s the plan, Nicole? TELL US WHAT TO DO!

Nicole: Okay. Listen up you white-cabinet-loving, barn-door-accenting little turds. The aesthetic for the 2020s is now, “Victorian Isolation.” I’m talking walls, pocket doors, and Japanese screens. Partition. Everything.

We’ll also be converting all mudrooms into Sanitation Stations, adding laundry chutes that run directly into the basement so folks can disrobe upon entering. And we’ll partner with Big Fashion to bring back the housecoat, which we’ll hang on labeled hooks just outside the Sanitation Stations.

Joanna Gaines: Can the hooks be made from reclaimed barnwood with chalkboard labels?

Everyone: SHUT IT, JO!

Property Brother: This… This might just work. We can sell this.

Other Property Brother: (Slow claps while standing in front of a “Live, Laugh, Love” sign that has been crossed out and now reads “Sanitize, Scream, Suck It.”)

<End Transmission>

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Katie Hughes-Pucci

Written by

Rhode Island-based writer. Words in: McSweeneys, The Belladonna, Slackjaw, The Millions. katiehughespucci.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Katie Hughes-Pucci

Written by

Rhode Island-based writer. Words in: McSweeneys, The Belladonna, Slackjaw, The Millions. katiehughespucci.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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