Trump’s tweets can make you more productive!
Career lessons from Donald’s Twitter account
Want an advantage over all the liberal acne-ridden Sanders-baseball-cap-wearing West Coasters with whom you work?
Read & learn:
Employ the ‘not horses’ justification
Team,
As we’re not horses, you need to put in some extra hours this weekend.
Tom
And if any member of the team complains:
Dan,
Sorry to hear of the death of your grandmother. However, as stated in my earlier email, we’re not horses, so I’m going to have to insist you complete your marketing research by Monday.
Tom
Blame the Chinese for any professional failings
Steve,
I’m really sorry that I was unable to complete the department’s accounts. I realise my failure will cause you problems further up the chain.
However, as you know, I’ve been having trouble with the Chinese. I’ve already let HR know about this, but thought it worth flagging up again.
Tom
Tell people how clever you are
Team,
The doorcode to the stationery cupboard has been changed to 0148. It’s easy to remember, as ‘148’ is my IQ.
Tom
Invent facts and statistics to give your argument weight
Facts I’ve invented and their associated benefits:
A Master’s Degree from Stanford = employment by major tech firm.
Knowledge of coding = promotion to software engineer.
Hits analysis data = payrise and congratulatory email from CEO.
Make reference to popular culture
Team,
Looking forward to bowling tonight. Drinks at 7. And, yes, I will be wearing my Kendrick t-shirt and skinny jeans. Like a proper ‘B-boy’.
Tom
Use the phrase ‘an extremely credible source’ when you have no research data/research data contradicts your desired outcome.
Steve,
Sorry to have to email like this, but an extremely credible source told me that Pete Jones took home the office stapler last Tuesday. As you know, it’s not been seen since …
Tom
Make passing reference to animal death when arguing for change in company policy.
Steve,
I know for sure that the company responsible for servicing the new coffee machine is involved in the slaughter of seals, but the guy they sent out last week to deal with the grounds bin problem was rude and surly when I asked when I might expect a flat white. In short, I think we should go with another coffee repair firm.
Tom
Blame the engineers
Steve,
The new Android app sucks. Not only does it use the very font that, if you remember, I was dead against, but it the flashing effect that occurs between screens is likely to cause epilepsy in those vulnerable to epilepsy and will also damage the development of children’s brains. I know the engineers don’t care about this side of things, but I thought it worth flagging up.
Tom
Connect Deeper
If this article proved helpful, please recommend it. Should Donald Trump be elected president, you will be sent a free government pamphlet entitled ‘Building Walls — Middle-Management: Trump-style’.
