Types Of Vegetarianism Based On Level Of Self-Righteousness
As seen from the eyes of an all-round-balanced-diet eater.
Are you organizing a dinner party, and unfamiliar with the types of vegetarianism?
Don’t know how to express your overdeveloped self-righteousness through your diet?
Navigate the different types of vegetarianism without fear of mislabeling with the following guide:
Level 1 — Flexiterian or Faketarian
You understand the looming threat of meat over-consumption but also identify as a foodie.
You toss a coin into the air every time you need to eat. Heads? You go for greens. Tails? Meat. Stands in the middle? Then you will not post your meal on Instagram.
Your ideal meal: Pasta with cauliflower. Also, a hot-dog at four o’clock in the morning after a night out.
Level 2 — Vegetarian or Pescatarian
You don’t eat anything that has a pulse.
You choose to not have the blood of innocent cows and pigs on your hands but you have absolutely no issue with bloodless animals such as crustaceans and seafood. Of course, in case you encounter a wild gorilla in the jungle, you should not be so sure if they would be equally lenient on you.
Your ideal meal: Octopus, dairy, falafel, and meat-eaters’ moral compasses.
Level 3 —Vegan
You support the two previous levels and you raise the bar by also not consuming any animal products.
Animal cruelty does not stop at meat. So, you say no to forced labor even for animals. You don’t eat milk, eggs, or even honey because you are disapproving of the industry. You tweet daily about your life stance through your iPhone, which was produced in a sweatshop in India. No ethical issues here.
Your ideal meal: Rice. Just rice, and smug monologues.
Level 4 —Anti-Vegetarian Vegetarian
You do not eat anything that has conscience, soul, or DNA.
Meat is murder. Carrot is murder, too. If everyone globally turns vegetarian — which they should — the global flora would go bye-bye. As an anti-vegetarian vegetarian, your duty is to avert this by being obnoxious towards carnivorous and herbivorous people in equal parts.
Favorite quote:
“Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I detest meat-eaters,
and vegetarians, too.”
Your ideal meal: Plastic garbage bags, cockroaches, and the water that rice was parboiled in.
Level 5 — F*ck-you-tarian
You don’t eat at all.
You have found ways to transcend the limitations of your own organic perishable existence and you do not need food to persevere. Starvation abs look good on you, too.
You chastise every person you know for being dependent on the canonical intake of calories and nutrients and you preach that it was the easiest decision in your life. Feeling morally superior, you look down on the whole concept of food: infallible, enlightened, malnourished.
Food of choice: Deep breaths. Dehydrated water. The shadow of a broccoli.
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