Ugh, I Seriously Can’t Believe I Ate All That

Michelle Spies
Sep 25 · 2 min read

Oh my God, I just ate that entire thing. Do you see this? I just ate the whole thing in like five minutes.

Ugh, I can’t believe it. I ate the whole sandwich, bread AND condiments included, and I ate the entire side salad WITH dressing on it.

I can’t believe I just ate all that!

Gross. What is wrong with me? Why did I eat this standardly-portioned meal in its entirety?

I like, never eat this much. Seriously. I usually eat so little the server comes over and asks if there was a problem with my meal. I usually eat so little my fork never makes physical contact with the plate. I usually eat so little that my stomach has slowly begun to digest itself!

I mean, you all have to know I would never eat the entirety of anything. For God’s sake, I pick the oregano out of pizza and then throw the pizza away. I take such small bites from burritos you could refold the tortilla a bit and it would look brand new. I’ve never even gotten past the skin on an apple!

Please, forgive me.

I certainly didn’t plan to eat the whole thing, if that’s what you’re thinking. No, how could I have? I didn’t even think it possible. You know, because I’ve never eaten this much in one sitting before now.

I’m soooo full.

Ugh. I’m disgusting. Gutter filth. Frothy trash fluid. Putrid corpse liquid.

I seriously can’t believe I ate that!

Wait… DID I really eat all of that? Come to think of it… I couldn’t have. It’s impossible. It makes no earthly sense!

Something weird is going on here.

Was there a guy with an enchanted stopwatch that freezes time who ate all my food and then restarted time again? An evil supervillain experimenting with some kind of beam that makes food appear invisible? A mischevious goblin hell bent on hijinks for hijinks’ sake?

Because we all know there’s no way I could’ve eaten all of that. Eating that entire standard portion of food? That would be just depraved. And I just can’t have you, my friends, thinking that I would ever do that, intentionally or not.

So… are you guys gonna get dessert? I’ll have a lick of carrot cake frosting or a cupcake crumb if you guys are having some.


Medium humor. Large laughs.

Thanks to Alex Baia

Michelle Spies

Written by

Chicago-based. CONTRIBUTOR: The Onion, Clickhole. FREELANCE: Onion Labs. Other: Botnik Studios, Mcsweeneys. TWEETER: @spies_please |



Medium humor. Large laughs.

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