Unexpected Advantages of Having Crippling Social Anxiety

Laura LeeLun
Aug 27, 2018 · 2 min read
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

1.Your houseplants are lush and verdant due to all the time you spend talking to them.

2. Have developed a relationship with Alexa that rivals Joaquin Phoenix’s romance in Her.

3. Your closets are so well organized that Marie Kondo herself has requested a consultation (by phone of course).

4. Have learned the following languages in your free time: Mandarin, C++, Klingon, and Medieval era whale song.

5. Keeping your gaze focused on the ground has netted you $2.50 in loose change and a designer pair of sunglasses (only slightly damaged).

6. Your ability to blend into the background lets you go unnoticed when the alien overlords descend and conquer the planet.

7. While others at the cocktail party are engaged in pointless small talk, you can fill your purse with shrimp.

8. You develop a reputation for requiring lots of alone time and therefore no one objects while you secretly study the aliens’ infrastructure and organizational hierarchy.

9. Can focus full attention on escalating your Twitter feud with Dionne Warwick.

10. In an opportune moment, you use your linguistic and coding skills to reprogram the alien weapons systems.

11. You’ve become so adept at striking power poses to prepare for social occasions that strangers mistake you for Gal Gadot.

12. Finished writing your passion project (a puppet musical based on the travails of the Real Housewives of Atlanta).

13. You lead a rebellion (from behind) that results in the restoration of humanity’s control of the planet. A parade is held in your honor; you politely decline to attend.

14. Risk of contracting STI= zero.

15. You receive the Nobel Peace Prize for saving the world, but as you find crowds off-putting, you send a friend to accept in your place. You retire from public life and gradually, your exploits fade from memory until you become a mere myth passed down to school children.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Laura LeeLun

Written by

Comedy writer, member of Quick Pickle sketch troupe, co-host of Riff Raff Revolution podcast.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade