Using Influencer Marketing To Influence Your Audience With Online Influencers

What’s Influencer Marketing? I’ll tell you what it is, you old bag of lint. It’s a sexy way of cajoling people into buying your product using the most influential people in the world — Internet stars. Internet stars are people who found fame on the Internet and then went on to to stay on the Internet. If you can get these people to plug your product online, then you’re guaranteed success and self-loathing. Gone are the days where you’d put an ad in a magazine or use a legitimate celebrity. Now are the days where you’ll pay any plant, animal or mineral with an online following to endorse your product.

How does it work? It’s simple. You pay money to have these Influencers post online about your products.
The result? Your audience buys your product under the pretense that these people actually use and love it…but they don’t! Everyone wins!
What does success look like? Dying alone.

Here’s our current roster of Internet Stars and their rates:

Beefy The Naked Mole Rat. Instagram. 32m followers.
Background: The cutest mole rat in the world.
Why people love him: He’s not a baby, but he’s close.
What $1k gets you: Picture of Beefy sitting on your product.
What $10k gets you: Picture of Beefy using your product as a cry for help.
What $100k gets you: Video of Beefy eating your product, vomiting your product, then eating it again.

Nate Neven (rhymes with heaven). Twitter. 3.4bn followers.
Background: He’s 17 and you’ve never heard of him.
Why people love him: Most of his followers are bots.
What $1k gets you: He’ll tweet “<your product name> lol!”
What $10k gets you: He’ll tweet “<your product name> u beautiful xx”
What $100k gets you: He’ll tweet “Fav and RT <product name> and I’ll fuck you”

Horny Calligraphy Videos. Youtube. 19m subscribers.
Background: Videos of calligraphy being done so well you’ll cream yourself.
Why people love it: The creaming.
What $1k gets you: Video of your product name being spelled out.
What $10k gets you: Video of your product’s terms and conditions being spelled out.
What $100k gets you: You get to drink a dangerous amount of calligraphy ink on camera.

Erik Semper. Linkedin. 500+ connections.
Background: Consultant at some company in the Greater Boston Area.
Why people love him: He’ll endorse any old shit.
What $1k gets you: He’ll endorse your product.
What $10k gets you: He’ll endorse your company.
What $100k gets you: He’ll endorse your life choices.

Tree Covered In Little Lights. Pinterest. 79m followers.
Background: A tree wrapped in little lights.
Why people love it: It’s calming and distracts from the horrors of everyday life.
What $1k gets you: Picture of your product tied to the tree.
What $10k gets you: Plant your product in the ground next to the tree.
What $100k gets you: You and your product live in the tree for the rest of time.

VINCE. Uber. 15 rides a day.
Background: UberX driver.
Why people love him: He doesn’t want to talk to you.
What $1k gets you: Your product/logo replaces the car on the map.
What $10k gets you: Your product/logo replaces the rating stars.
What $100k gets you: Vince will tell you it’s an UberPool ride, but instead of picking up passengers, he’ll pick up your product from 4 different locations and talk to them as if they were people.

Bread. Instagram. 26m followers.
Background: Bread baked by a guy called Greg.
Why people love it: It’s bread.
What $1k gets you: Picture of your product baked into bread.
What $10k gets you: Video of your product, in bread, drowning in the sea.
What $100k gets you: Picture of Greg on the toilet, in a homemade bread suit, holding your product.

Jimbo McCarthy. N/A. N/A.
Background: Brother of Jenny.
Why people love him: N/A.
What $1k gets you: Tattoos your product name on his collarbone.
What $10k gets you: Works for your company in any capacity.
What $100k gets you: Vaccinates Jenny in her sleep.